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LEXX 3.01 Fire and Water
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)

(The Lexx is drifting through space. On the bridge, 790 is switched off, on his trolley. In the cryochamber, Kai, Xev and Stan are asleep in cryopods. 790 switches on and looks at the view screen, to see a sandy planet and a blue planet, joined by a thin stream of atmosphere. 790 tries to move, but his trolley won't start)

790: Don't do this to me now! Come on, come on, I have to wake up Xev!

(790 falls off his trolley, and gets stuck on the edge of the bridge. His trolley rolls off the edge)

790: Xev! Can you hear me? Xev, please hear me, you have to wake up now. Xev! Oh darling Xev, I've failed you. The robot head who loves you has let you down

(790 sobs)

(A balloon sails across the desert, through the atmosphere, and towards the Lexx. Suspended from the balloon is a metal gondola. Two men in the gondola aim a spear at the Lexx - it misses. They look at the white-haired man behind them - Prince. He drinks some water from a phial, and indicates that they are to try again. This time, the spear hits the Lexx. The rope attached to it pulls the balloon along side the Lexx.
Prince and two balloonists walk cautiously through the moth chamber. A balloonist opens the door of a moth and gets inside, but the controls disintegrate at his touch. Prince sniffs, touches the walls, licks his fingers, and then gets inside the old moth which is Stan's bed.
They arrive at the bridge. Prince looks at the planets on the view screen)

790: Xev!

(Prince gets up on the pedestal. The template appears, but his hand passes through it. One of the balloonists retrieves 790)

790: Unhand me, you fiend! Or better yet, first bring me to my beloved Xev

(Prince holds 790)

790: Bring me to Xev!
PRINCE: Who is Xev?
790: My beloved darling Xev is the greatest woman who has ever lived, and I demand that you wake her at once
PRINCE: Who else is onboard, exactly?

(He sniffs, and gets down from the pedestal)

790: A security guard called Stanley Tweedle who is of no importance whatsoever at any time or place, and a dead assassin named Kai. Bring me to her at once or -
PRINCE: Or what?
790: I'll wake her up myself
790: I would have wakened her a long time ago, except that the cryopod control unit couldn't hear me from down there where I was stuck
PRINCE: So she's the important one
790: Without a doubt
790: So, are you going to bring me to her?

(He throws 790 over the side. 790 hits the ground, and breaks into pieces)

(In the cryochamber, a balloonist is trying to break open Kai's cryopod)

PRINCE: The dead one

(One balloonist tries Stan's pod, the other Xev's. Prince licks Xev's pod. He presses a button on the cryochamber control, and Stan's cryopod opens)

STAN: Oh - Kai, mine's not working. Oh, I feel really stiff for some reason - oh, wait a second. Are we somewhere?
STAN: We are? Where?
PRINCE: Somewhere
STAN: Who are you?

(He looks at Prince. The balloonists grab Stan and hold a knife to his throat)

PRINCE: Prince. Who are you?
STAN: Stanley
PRINCE: What are you?
STAN: I - I'm a Tweedle, that's - I'm a captain
STAN: Of the Lexx
PRINCE: The Lexx
STAN: This is the Lexx
PRINCE: This comet?
STAN: Comet? No, no, this is what we're on, it's the Lexx. It's a, it's, it's a big, er, big, er -
STAN: Yeah, yeah, it's a big bug, but, er, it's also a spaceship. I mean, it flies around like a bug, only it's bigger, and it can, it can -
STAN: It can, er -
STAN: It can talk, if it wants to

(Now Stan, Prince and the balloonists are on the bridge)

STAN: So - exactly where are we?
PRINCE: Between Fire and Water
STAN: And, er - how long have we been here?
PRINCE: You first appeared in the sky three battles ago
STAN: How long - how long is that?
PRINCE: Long time

(The balloonists push Stan up onto the pedestal)

PRINCE: There have been many expeditions to the giant comet - or bug, as you call it. This is the first to succeed
STAN: Hmm. Interesting

(Prince indicates the template. Stan puts his hand on it)

STAN: Lexx - you can wake up now
LEXX: Good morning, Stanley
STAN: Good morning, Lexx. How are you today?
LEXX: I am tired, Stan. I have been sleeping for a very long time
STAN: How long?
LEXX: I don't know
PRINCE: How important are you?
STAN: It isn't obvious? Er, Lexx -
LEXX: Yes?
STAN: Tell them - er, tell them that you're not unfriendly in any way, that you're just a big bug that wants to eat, right?
LEXX: I am not unfriendly in any way. I am just a big bug that wants to eat - right?
STAN: So - let's, er, let's go wake up the others
PRINCE: Why? We're just getting to know each other
STAN: Well, it's just my friends have been asleep for a long time. I'm sure they'd really like to be up about now
PRINCE: Let us be friends, Stanley Tweedle, you and I
STAN: Friends, oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, friends. We're friends
PRINCE: Hmm. So what else does your bug do?
STAN: It, er - well, it flies around. When it, er -
PRINCE: When it what?
STAN: When it - when it does. Say, you know, I should have asked you before, but - what do you guys exactly want?
PRINCE: The question is not what do we want
STAN: Oh, well, I want, er - I want, er - I want outta here!

(Stan runs off the bridge, with the balloonists in pursuit. Stan gets to the cryochamber, and tries to wake up Kai)

PRINCE: We missed you, Stanley

(Prince is in Stan's cryopod. He gets out, and the balloonists push Stan into it)

STAN: That hurts!
PRINCE: Does it?
STAN: Yes. Argh!
PRINCE: I'm very good with pain

(Back on the bridge again. Stan is on the pedestal)

STAN: Why are you doing this to me?

(A balloonist throws a knife, which hits just above Stan's head)

PRINCE: Tell me a story, Stanley Tweedle
STAN: What kind of story?

(The balloonist throws another knife, which just misses Stan)

LEXX: Ouch!
PRINCE: Tell me about yourself
STAN: What do you wanna know?
PRINCE: Who you are

(The balloonist throws another knife, which hits close to Stan's head)

PRINCE: How you got here
STAN: Well, we were in the Light Universe. It got destroyed, and that made us go into the Dark Zone, into here -

(Flashback. The crew are on the bridge. Xev is holding 790 and humming - Closed behind our mighty shield, beyond which none can fly)

790: The voice of an angel
STAN: Let's not forget, now we are in the Dark Zone, and this is the universe of evil, of chaos, depravity - and so what do we do now? Huh?
XEV: I suppose we find ourselves a new home
STAN: Right - which then gets destroyed, like every place we've ever been
XEV: Your point?
STAN: My point? My point is that this time we should actually have a plan, you know? Let's actually choose a worthwhile destination, instead of just finding some random one
XEV: Yes
STAN: Yes! Kai - you know about the Dark Zone - where are the good planets?
KAI: Define good planet
STAN: Well - for me it'd be one, you know, one I'd feel comfortable living on, you know, kind of a tingle me, jingle me, get honked and do it, you know, kind of planet, you understand what I mean?
STAN: Well, er, you know, a come over here, squeeze me, please me, tease me kind of planet, you know, a naughty nymphomaniac planet
KAI: Nimbus 9
STAN: What, Nimbus 9 what?
KAI: Nimbus 9 is a prison planet rumoured to be entirely populated by naked naughty nymphomaniacs
STAN: Ho ho ho ho! - Lexx - set course for Nimbus 9
LEXX: I am sorry, Stan - I cannot do that
STAN: What?
LEXX: I cannot set course for Nimbus 9
STAN: No, no, no, ten times no! Lexx, I am captain and I am giving you a direct order
LEXX: I'm sorry, Stanley. I cannot
STAN: Why not?
LEXX: I am hungry
STAN: Yeah, Lexx, well so am I, but what's that gotta do with going to Nimbus 9? I am giving you a direct order
LEXX: I am very -
STAN: Lexx - Lexx! Lexx?

(There is a growling sound, and the view screen goes blank)

(The crew are by a part of the Lexx that looks a bit like a particle accelerator?, watching Kai adjusting some cables)

LEXX: Hungry!
STAN: Yeah, Lexx, so you said. Now Lexx, please, take us to Nimbus 9
LEXX: I cannot
KAI: The Lexx is out of fuel
790: Kai merely diverted some of the tiny amount of power in Lexx's weapon system
KAI: Food is his fuel, and the Lexx has not eaten in some time
XEV: Which means?
790: That we're stuck

(They all get into a moth, and fly back to the bridge)

STAN: Why don't you just go ahead and eat?
LEXX: There is nothing to eat around here
STAN: Well, go somewhere where there's food
LEXX: I cannot go anywhere
STAN: How can he be so stupid?
790: Easily and always. He is stupid, and you are captain of the stupid
XEV: What about our food? Can he still feed us?

(The crew are in the galley. The food nozzle makes a squirting sound, but nothing comes out)

STAN: Please, Lexx, just a shot, just one little squirt of that delicious creamy substance that we love so much
LEXX: I am sorry, Stanley. You are my captain, but I cannot
STAN: OK, the Lexx can't move, can't make us food - what do we do?
790: Xev darling?
XEV: Yes 790?
790: When you die our love will not end. I will think about nothing else but you until I run out of power. I will love you to my last electron
STAN: A moth. We could take a moth and fly to the nearest planet
790: The nearest solar system is over 400 light years away, many thousand times the range of a moth
STAN: OK, OK, forget that plan
XEV: Do we have any plan?
KAI: We can drift
790: Yes!
KAI: We can drift, until we are eventually drawn into the orbit of a celestial object

(Back on the bridge)

STAN: Well, how long's it gonna take us to reach one of those if we just drift?
790: Somewhere between 900 standard years and 16 thousand standard years
XEV: So what do we eat in the meantime?

(Later. Xev is lying on the floor on the bridge, next to 790)

XEV: Ready?
790: Ready. I will go into deep shutdown to preserve my power. I will switch on once every month to check things out. But Xev -
XEV: Yes?
790: Can't I wake you up?
XEV: Why?
790: Just to look at you
790: Xev?
XEV: Yes?
790: I miss you already
XEV: I miss you too

(She kisses him)

(In the cryochamber, Stan gets into a cryopod)

KAI: I'll set the program to wake me up once each year, to check on 790
STAN: Why, don't you trust him?
KAI: Our journey will be long. The chance of mechanical failure over such a period is not insignificant
STAN: OK Lexx - are you ready?
LEXX: I am ready, Stan
STAN: Good. Well - I guess this is it
XEV: I'm ready

(Xev gets into a cryopod)

STAN: Yeah, me too. OK, Lexx, it's time - you can go to sleep now
LEXX: As you command
STAN: And Lexx, don't wake up until I tell you, OK?
LEXX: Goodnight, Stan
STAN: Goodnight, Lexx
KAI: Goodnight, Stanley
STAN: Goodnight, Kai

(Stan's cryopod closes)

XEV: Kai - is it OK if I dream about you?
KAI: You will not dream
XEV: Well, if I did dream, I would like to dream about you
KAI: If you like
XEV: I do like. Goodnight Kai

(Xev's cryopod closes. Kai's cryopod closes. 790 switches off)

STAN: And then, then you unfroze me. Seems like it all just happened. Guess you have no sense of time when you're in cryosleep. Well, that's everything, that's it, we're just travellers, we're just passing through. Look, I know the ship looks big, and it looks scary and all, but I mean, it's just a big bug it couldn't hurt a fly, so it's no threat to you or to anybody. So look, I'll just go wake up the others and we'll just continue on our way

(Prince pulls the knife out from beside Stan's head)

PRINCE: What about the man in black?
STAN: Oh, he's dead, see, we're just holding onto him until we can finally land on a planet and bury him, you know? It's a custom we observe, with our dead. Actually, he's kind of alive dead
PRINCE: Alive dead?
STAN: Yeah, yeah. He can actually walk around a little bit. You know, we should go wake him up so that, so that I could show you. You'd find it really interesting
PRINCE: What about the woman?
STAN: Oh - don't worry about her, she's - I dunno, she's just a nurse or something, I, you know, I bet, I don't even know for sure exactly what it is she does do, but she's definitely not important
PRINCE: She's not important?
STAN: No, not important, not in any way shape or form

(A frill/collar at the back of his coat suddenly flicks upright)

PRINCE: - are not important!

(The balloon approaches a tower in the desert. On top of the tower is a city, industrial and smoky)

(In his chamber, Prince fills his phial with water from a basin, and drinks. Xev's cryopod is there, being heated. Prince licks it)

(Two handlers pull a sack off Stan's head, and chain him to a seat attached to two levers, a wheel with pedals, and some bellows)

STAN: Oh, stop pushing. Where am I? Look, just please tell me where I am. Ow! Ow! Hey, look, ow! Easy there, pal, I didn't agree to any of this

(The handlers squawk at him)

STAN: What was that?

(They squawk again)

STAN: Could you please speak just a little more clearly?

(More squawking)

STAN: What a couple of cretins. You see, when I speak I use my lips and my tongue, hmm, so that simpletons like you can un-der-stand

(Furious squawking. The handlers poke Stan in the stomach, and shake bits of leathery flesh at him, attached to collars on their necks)

STAN: Is that your tongue?

(Clearly, it is)

STAN: Oh, sorry - but I still don't understand what you want from me

(A combination of squawks and points - Stan has to work the levers while pedalling)

STAN: Oh - oh. Is this what I'm supposed to do, yeah? Well I won't do that. Whatever. Whatever. I'm not gonna do it

(The handlers poke him again)

STAN: Oww! Ow! OK, OK, OK, I'll do it for a while

(The handlers attach a weight to a pole at the end of the bellows, and leave Stan pedalling)

(On the Lexx, Kai's cryopod opens. He sees the others are gone, and heads for the bridge. 790 is not there. Kai jumps off the edge of the bridge)

(Xev wakes up, and starts to push at the cryopod door until it is lifted off)

XEV: Where am I? Kai? Stan? It's so hot

(Prince takes a piece of ice off her forehead)

XEV: Who are you?

(She sits up and shakes ice out of her hair, which is now long, and mostly blonde)

XEV: Who are you?
PRINCE: I am Prince. Who are you?
XEV: Xev
PRINCE: Xev. Tell me about yourself, Xev. Tell me everything. Tell me about your ship. Tell me your story

(Kai is sitting on the bridge, trying to put 790 back together again. He reinserts 790's brain cube, and 790 starts babbling)

(Stan is still pedalling)

STAN: No, no, no, fifty thousand times no. I am not gonna do this anymore

(He stops pedalling. The weight slides off the pole, and hits a bell)

STAN: I've had enough. I'm not gonna do it anymore, you hear me? Does anybody hear me? This is Stanley H Tweedle, the captain of the Lexx, and I am not gonna play this stupid game anymore

(He is not the only one on the bellows. There are thousands like him. More people swing past on a chain pulley, attached by the tops of their heads)

STAN: Come on Stanley, wake up, wake up, wake up. This can't be real, it's not real. I'm still in cryosleep, still on the Lexx, it's not real

(Stan's handlers return)

STAN: Oh. Oh, good, finally. Now look - I hereby formally protest the treatment that I am receiving. I have done nothing to warrant this kind of punishment, and I demand that I be returned to my ship, or else you're gonna suffer the severest - the severest consequences, and I'm serious about this. You respond to my command promptly, or I'll see to it personally that you pay the price

(The handlers start to poke him again)

STAN: Forget it, forget it, listen, my arms are tired, my legs are about to give out, and my back is burning up, so you can poke all you want, I am not gonna do this anymore, period

(The handlers lower a sort of mini guillotine, with a metal basket in front)

STAN: Hey - hey, hey - didn't you guys hear me? Look, I know you don't have tongues but you've got ears, haven't you?

(They stick his head through the guillotine, and get the blade)

STAN: Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, and I'm not gonna put up with this any longer. Oh no. What did I do to deserve this? This is a joke, right?

(One handler checks the blade with his thumb, and wipes the blood on Stan's nose. They put the blade into the guillotine, and attach the weight to a chain on the blade)

STAN: This is a joke, right, huh? And you guys are just trying to scare me, right? I'm willing to co-operate, OK, I'm willing to co-operate, I can do this, guys

(Stan starts pedalling again)

STAN: Ah! You made your point, so let's just get rid of the blade thing, OK? Look, I don't have a whole lot more left in me, OK? Hey, if I don't have a head, I won't be able to pump at all

(The handlers walk away)

STAN: Guys, look - I'm co-operating! Guys - the blade - guys

(Kai is still working on 790, whose eyes light up)

790: Ah!

(Kai turns 790 around to face him)

790: I will love you forever

(Back in Prince's chamber)

XEV: Why is it so hot in here?
PRINCE: That is why we are always at war. Some suffer in a world of heat and flames, and others luxuriate in a world of cool water and endless beauty
XEV: What are you talking about?
PRINCE: What has always been, and no longer must be
XEV: Sorry?
PRINCE: We burn in the heat, and they care nothing for our suffering
XEV: Who are they?

(Prince goes up some stairs, and opens a door onto a balcony. Xev follows)

PRINCE: No-one knows how long ago the war began. And no-one knew how it would end, until now. Are you afraid?
XEV: Of what?
XEV: Should I be?
XEV: I still don't know who you are, but I'm not afraid of you
PRINCE: We pump the bellows day and night to keep the air cool, it's the only way we have to survive. We must escape from this place. There is our new home - Water

(He shows her the blue planet, which almost fills the sky)

PRINCE: I sense a deep emptiness in you, Xev. Please help me
XEV: How?
PRINCE: I don't know. You must tell me, I only know that you can
XEV: Why?
PRINCE: It's my gift
XEV: I don't think that I understand

(Prince strokes Xev's face)

PRINCE: I - I have waited for you forever
XEV: What do you mean?
PRINCE: I knew that somehow, someday, you would come here, and until that day happened, I would never know true joy
XEV: Is that what you feel - now?
PRINCE: Close your eyes. Close them

(Xev closes her eyes. Prince kisses her)

PRINCE: Please help me
XEV: How can I?
PRINCE: Until now, there has always been a balance. That's why the war has never ended. But now - you, Xev, you are the grain of sand that will tip the scales. You and your ship - the Lexx

(Back on the bridge)

KAI: 790, you do not love me. You love Xev
790: Who's Xev?
KAI: She is a beautiful love slave
790: Who cares about a stupid love slave? You are the man of my dreams
KAI: Except for one short period each year, I have been frozen for over four millennia. You have been switching on once a month during that same period. Since I last reanimated, Xev and Stan, the other members of the crew, have disappeared. What happened to them?
790: Don't know, don't care
KAI: 790 - do you love me?
790: Desperately!
KAI: Then you will help me locate them
790: Whatever you say, heart throb of desire

(Stan is still pedalling - slowly, now. He pauses, and the weight starts to slide down the pole)

STAN: Where's the dead guy when you need him?

(Stan resumes pedalling)

(Kai is in the moth chamber. He opens the door of a moth, but it falls off. He looks inside and sees the state of the moth)

KAI: The moths are all dead, so we cannot fly down to the two planets
790: Good! And Kai?
KAI: Yes?
790: Your name has a nice ring to it
KAI: Thank you, 790

(Inside Prince's chamber)

XEV: Where are Stanley and Kai?
PRINCE: They're dead
XEV: Stanley Tweedle was the one who had the key to the Lexx
PRINCE: The key to the Lexx?
XEV: Yes, the Lexx only responds to the one who has the key
PRINCE: Is that important?
XEV: The Lexx is not a grain of sand that can tip the scales, it is a huge desert. Actually it's the most powerful weapon ever created. It can destroy a planet within seconds, but only if Stanley Tweedle tells it to
PRINCE: He never mentioned that to me
XEV: What do you mean? I though he was dead

(Kai is on the bridge, topping up his protoblood)

790: Please Kai, think of me! Think of our future together
KAI: When we pass between the two planets, I can drop down to one or the other. I have no way of knowing which one they are on. I'll have to make a random choice
790: Choose me! Choose the robot head!
KAI: I will not make that choice
790: Then promise me that you'll come back?
KAI: I cannot do that either. I may not find the means necessary to return
790: Then let me come with you!
KAI: You would be destroyed on impact. I will call you if I require your assistance

(Kai gives 790 a squawker. He fires his brace at the top of the bridge, and makes his way outside the Lexx - on the railing near the tail end)

KAI: We are at the optimum point. I will let you choose the planet, 790
790: I will short circuit! I will crash! I cannot choose one planet over the other, I'm not wired for it
KAI: Then I choose - the desert planet
790: No - the water planet! The water planet!
KAI: I will accept your choice, 790
790: You may be dead, but our love will always be alive

(Kai holds his arms out at his sides and dives off the Lexx, down to Water)

(Stan is exhausted, and finally stops pedalling. The weight slides off the end of the pole. The blade drops. Stan closes his eyes - )

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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