LEXX 3.01 Fire and Water
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(The Lexx is drifting through space. On the bridge, 790 is
switched off, on his trolley. In the cryochamber, Kai, Xev and Stan are asleep
in cryopods. 790 switches on and looks at the view screen, to see a sandy planet
and a blue planet, joined by a thin stream of atmosphere. 790 tries to move, but
his trolley won't start)
790: Don't do this to me now! Come on, come
on, I have to wake up Xev!
(790 falls off his trolley, and gets stuck
on the edge of the bridge. His trolley rolls off the edge)
Can you hear me? Xev, please hear me, you have to wake up now. Xev! Oh darling
Xev, I've failed you. The robot head who loves you has let you
(A balloon sails across the desert, through
the atmosphere, and towards the Lexx. Suspended from the balloon is a metal
gondola. Two men in the gondola aim a spear at the Lexx - it misses. They look
at the white-haired man behind them - Prince. He drinks some water from a phial,
and indicates that they are to try again. This time, the spear hits the Lexx.
The rope attached to it pulls the balloon along side the Lexx.
Prince and two
balloonists walk cautiously through the moth chamber. A balloonist opens the
door of a moth and gets inside, but the controls disintegrate at his touch.
Prince sniffs, touches the walls, licks his fingers, and then gets inside the
old moth which is Stan's bed.
They arrive at the bridge. Prince looks at the
planets on the view screen)
(Prince gets up on
the pedestal. The template appears, but his hand passes through it. One of the
balloonists retrieves 790)
790: Unhand me, you fiend! Or better yet,
first bring me to my beloved Xev
(Prince holds 790)
Bring me to Xev!
PRINCE: Who is Xev?
790: My beloved darling Xev is the
greatest woman who has ever lived, and I demand that you wake her at
PRINCE: Who else is onboard, exactly?
(He sniffs, and gets
down from the pedestal)
790: A security guard called Stanley Tweedle
who is of no importance whatsoever at any time or place, and a dead assassin
named Kai. Bring me to her at once or -
PRINCE: Or what?
790: I'll wake
her up myself
790: I would have wakened her a long time ago,
except that the cryopod control unit couldn't hear me from down there where I
PRINCE: So she's the important one
790: Without a
790: So, are you going to bring me to her?
(He throws 790 over the side. 790 hits the ground, and breaks into
(In the cryochamber, a balloonist is trying to break open Kai's
PRINCE: The dead one
(One balloonist tries
Stan's pod, the other Xev's. Prince licks Xev's pod. He presses a button on the
cryochamber control, and Stan's cryopod opens)
STAN: Oh - Kai,
mine's not working. Oh, I feel really stiff for some reason - oh, wait a second.
Are we somewhere?
STAN: We are? Where?
STAN: Who are you?
(He looks at Prince. The balloonists
grab Stan and hold a knife to his throat)
PRINCE: Prince. Who are
PRINCE: What are you?
STAN: I - I'm a Tweedle,
that's - I'm a captain
STAN: Of the Lexx
STAN: This is the Lexx
PRINCE: This comet?
STAN: Comet? No, no,
this is what we're on, it's the Lexx. It's a, it's, it's a big, er, big, er
STAN: Yeah, yeah, it's a big bug, but, er, it's also a
spaceship. I mean, it flies around like a bug, only it's bigger, and it can, it
STAN: It can, er -
STAN: It can
talk, if it wants to
(Now Stan, Prince and the balloonists are on the
STAN: So - exactly where are we?
PRINCE: Between Fire and
STAN: And, er - how long have we been here?
PRINCE: You first
appeared in the sky three battles ago
STAN: How long - how long is
PRINCE: Long time
(The balloonists push Stan up onto the
PRINCE: There have been many expeditions to the giant
comet - or bug, as you call it. This is the first to succeed
(Prince indicates the template. Stan puts his hand on
STAN: Lexx - you can wake up now
LEXX: Good morning,
STAN: Good morning, Lexx. How are you today?
LEXX: I am tired,
Stan. I have been sleeping for a very long time
STAN: How long?
PRINCE: How important are you?
STAN: It isn't obvious? Er, Lexx
STAN: Tell them - er, tell them that you're not unfriendly in
any way, that you're just a big bug that wants to eat, right?
LEXX: I am not
unfriendly in any way. I am just a big bug that wants to eat - right?
So - let's, er, let's go wake up the others
PRINCE: Why? We're just getting
to know each other
STAN: Well, it's just my friends have been asleep for a
long time. I'm sure they'd really like to be up about now
PRINCE: Let us be
friends, Stanley Tweedle, you and I
STAN: Friends, oh, yeah, sure. Yeah,
friends. We're friends
PRINCE: Hmm. So what else does your bug do?
It, er - well, it flies around. When it, er -
PRINCE: When it what?
When it - when it does. Say, you know, I should have asked you before, but -
what do you guys exactly want?
PRINCE: The question is not what do we
STAN: Oh, well, I want, er - I want, er - I want outta
(Stan runs off the bridge, with the balloonists in pursuit.
Stan gets to the cryochamber, and tries to wake up Kai)
missed you, Stanley
(Prince is in Stan's cryopod. He gets out, and
the balloonists push Stan into it)
STAN: That hurts!
STAN: Yes. Argh!
PRINCE: I'm very good with pain
the bridge again. Stan is on the pedestal)
STAN: Why are you doing
this to me?
(A balloonist throws a knife, which hits
just above Stan's head)
PRINCE: Tell me a story,
STAN: What kind of story?
(The balloonist throws
another knife, which just misses Stan)
me about yourself
STAN: What do you wanna know?
PRINCE: Who you
(The balloonist throws another knife, which hits close to Stan's
PRINCE: How you got here
STAN: Well, we were
in the Light Universe. It got destroyed, and that made us go into the Dark Zone,
into here -
(Flashback. The crew are on the bridge. Xev is holding
790 and humming - Closed behind our mighty shield, beyond which none can
790: The voice of an angel
STAN: Let's not forget, now we
are in the Dark Zone, and this is the universe of evil, of chaos, depravity -
and so what do we do now? Huh?
XEV: I suppose we find ourselves a new
STAN: Right - which then gets destroyed, like every place we've ever
XEV: Your point?
STAN: My point? My point is that this time we should
actually have a plan, you know? Let's actually choose a worthwhile destination,
instead of just finding some random one
STAN: Yes! Kai - you know
about the Dark Zone - where are the good planets?
KAI: Define good
STAN: Well - for me it'd be one, you know, one I'd feel comfortable
living on, you know, kind of a tingle me, jingle me, get honked and do it, you
know, kind of planet, you understand what I mean?
STAN: Well, er,
you know, a come over here, squeeze me, please me, tease me kind of planet, you
know, a naughty nymphomaniac planet
KAI: Nimbus 9
STAN: What, Nimbus 9
KAI: Nimbus 9 is a prison planet rumoured to be entirely populated by
naked naughty nymphomaniacs
STAN: Ho ho ho ho! - Lexx - set course for Nimbus
LEXX: I am sorry, Stan - I cannot do that
LEXX: I cannot
set course for Nimbus 9
STAN: No, no, no, ten times no! Lexx, I am captain
and I am giving you a direct order
LEXX: I'm sorry, Stanley. I
STAN: Why not?
LEXX: I am hungry
STAN: Yeah, Lexx, well so am I,
but what's that gotta do with going to Nimbus 9? I am giving you a direct
LEXX: I am very -
STAN: Lexx - Lexx! Lexx?
(There is a
growling sound, and the view screen goes blank)
(The crew are by a part
of the Lexx that looks a bit like a particle accelerator?, watching Kai
adjusting some cables)
STAN: Yeah, Lexx, so you
said. Now Lexx, please, take us to Nimbus 9
LEXX: I cannot
KAI: The Lexx
is out of fuel
790: Kai merely diverted some of the tiny amount of power in
Lexx's weapon system
KAI: Food is his fuel, and the Lexx has not eaten in
XEV: Which means?
790: That we're stuck
(They all get
into a moth, and fly back to the bridge)
STAN: Why don't you just go
ahead and eat?
LEXX: There is nothing to eat around here
STAN: Well, go
somewhere where there's food
LEXX: I cannot go anywhere
STAN: How can he
be so stupid?
790: Easily and always. He is stupid, and you are captain of
XEV: What about our food? Can he still feed us?
crew are in the galley. The food nozzle makes a squirting sound, but nothing
STAN: Please, Lexx, just a shot, just one little squirt
of that delicious creamy substance that we love so much
LEXX: I am sorry,
Stanley. You are my captain, but I cannot
STAN: OK, the Lexx can't move,
can't make us food - what do we do?
790: Xev darling?
790: When you die our love will not end. I will think about nothing else
but you until I run out of power. I will love you to my last electron
moth. We could take a moth and fly to the nearest planet
790: The nearest
solar system is over 400 light years away, many thousand times the range of a
STAN: OK, OK, forget that plan
XEV: Do we have any plan?
KAI: We can drift, until we are eventually drawn into
the orbit of a celestial object
(Back on the
STAN: Well, how long's it gonna take us to reach one of
those if we just drift?
790: Somewhere between 900 standard years and 16
thousand standard years
XEV: So what do we eat in the
(Later. Xev is lying on the floor on the bridge, next to
790: Ready. I will go into deep shutdown to
preserve my power. I will switch on once every month to check things out. But
790: Can't I wake you up?
790: Just to
look at you
790: I miss you
XEV: I miss you too
(She kisses him)
cryochamber, Stan gets into a cryopod)
KAI: I'll set the program to
wake me up once each year, to check on 790
STAN: Why, don't you trust
KAI: Our journey will be long. The chance of mechanical failure over
such a period is not insignificant
STAN: OK Lexx - are you ready?
am ready, Stan
STAN: Good. Well - I guess this is it
(Xev gets into a cryopod)
STAN: Yeah, me too. OK,
Lexx, it's time - you can go to sleep now
LEXX: As you command
Lexx, don't wake up until I tell you, OK?
LEXX: Goodnight, Stan
KAI: Goodnight, Stanley
(Stan's cryopod closes)
XEV: Kai - is it OK if I
dream about you?
KAI: You will not dream
XEV: Well, if I did dream, I
would like to dream about you
KAI: If you like
XEV: I do like. Goodnight
(Xev's cryopod closes. Kai's cryopod closes. 790 switches
STAN: And then, then you unfroze me. Seems like it all just
happened. Guess you have no sense of time when you're in cryosleep. Well, that's
everything, that's it, we're just travellers, we're just passing through. Look,
I know the ship looks big, and it looks scary and all, but I mean, it's just a
big bug it couldn't hurt a fly, so it's no threat to you or to anybody. So look,
I'll just go wake up the others and we'll just continue on our
(Prince pulls the knife out from beside Stan's
PRINCE: What about the man in black?
STAN: Oh, he's dead,
see, we're just holding onto him until we can finally land on a planet and bury
him, you know? It's a custom we observe, with our dead. Actually, he's kind of
PRINCE: Alive dead?
STAN: Yeah, yeah. He can actually walk
around a little bit. You know, we should go wake him up so that, so that I could
show you. You'd find it really interesting
PRINCE: What about the
STAN: Oh - don't worry about her, she's - I dunno, she's just a nurse
or something, I, you know, I bet, I don't even know for sure exactly what it is
she does do, but she's definitely not important
PRINCE: She's not
STAN: No, not important, not in any way shape or form
(A frill/collar at the back of his coat suddenly flicks
PRINCE: - are not important!
approaches a tower in the desert. On top of the tower is a city, industrial and
(In his chamber, Prince fills his phial with water from a basin,
and drinks. Xev's cryopod is there, being heated. Prince licks it)
handlers pull a sack off Stan's head, and chain him to a seat attached to two
levers, a wheel with pedals, and some bellows)
STAN: Oh, stop
pushing. Where am I? Look, just please tell me where I am. Ow! Ow! Hey, look,
ow! Easy there, pal, I didn't agree to any of this
squawk at him)
STAN: What was that?
STAN: Could you please speak just a little more
STAN: What a couple of cretins.
You see, when I speak I use my lips and my tongue, hmm, so that simpletons like
you can un-der-stand
(Furious squawking. The handlers poke Stan in
the stomach, and shake bits of leathery flesh at him, attached to collars on
STAN: Is that your tongue?
STAN: Oh, sorry - but I still don't understand what you want
(A combination of squawks and points - Stan has to work the
levers while pedalling)
STAN: Oh - oh. Is this what I'm supposed to
do, yeah? Well I won't do that. Whatever. Whatever. I'm not gonna do
(The handlers poke him again)
STAN: Oww! Ow! OK, OK,
OK, I'll do it for a while
(The handlers attach a weight to a pole at
the end of the bellows, and leave Stan pedalling)
(On the Lexx, Kai's
cryopod opens. He sees the others are gone, and heads for the bridge. 790 is not
there. Kai jumps off the edge of the bridge)
(Xev wakes up, and starts to
push at the cryopod door until it is lifted off)
XEV: Where am I?
Kai? Stan? It's so hot
(Prince takes a piece of ice off her
XEV: Who are you?
(She sits up and shakes ice
out of her hair, which is now long, and mostly blonde)
XEV: Who are
PRINCE: I am Prince. Who are you?
PRINCE: Xev. Tell me
about yourself, Xev. Tell me everything. Tell me about your ship. Tell me your
(Kai is sitting on the bridge, trying to put 790 back together
again. He reinserts 790's brain cube, and 790 starts babbling)
STAN: No, no, no, fifty thousand times no. I am not
gonna do this anymore
(He stops pedalling. The weight slides off the
pole, and hits a bell)
STAN: I've had enough. I'm not gonna do it
anymore, you hear me? Does anybody hear me? This is Stanley H Tweedle, the
captain of the Lexx, and I am not gonna play this stupid game
(He is not the only one on the bellows. There are thousands
like him. More people swing past on a chain pulley, attached by the tops of
STAN: Come on Stanley, wake up, wake up, wake up. This
can't be real, it's not real. I'm still in cryosleep, still on the Lexx, it's
(Stan's handlers return)
STAN: Oh. Oh, good,
finally. Now look - I hereby formally protest the treatment that I am receiving.
I have done nothing to warrant this kind of punishment, and I demand that I be
returned to my ship, or else you're gonna suffer the severest - the severest
consequences, and I'm serious about this. You respond to my command promptly, or
I'll see to it personally that you pay the price
(The handlers start
to poke him again)
STAN: Forget it, forget it, listen, my arms are
tired, my legs are about to give out, and my back is burning up, so you can poke
all you want, I am not gonna do this anymore, period
lower a sort of mini guillotine, with a metal basket in front)
Hey - hey, hey - didn't you guys hear me? Look, I know you don't have tongues
but you've got ears, haven't you?
(They stick his head through the
guillotine, and get the blade)
STAN: Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle,
captain of the Lexx, and I'm not gonna put up with this any longer. Oh no. What
did I do to deserve this? This is a joke, right?
(One handler checks
the blade with his thumb, and wipes the blood on Stan's nose. They put the blade
into the guillotine, and attach the weight to a chain on the
STAN: This is a joke, right, huh? And you guys are just
trying to scare me, right? I'm willing to co-operate, OK, I'm willing to
co-operate, I can do this, guys
(Stan starts pedalling
STAN: Ah! You made your point, so let's just get rid of the
blade thing, OK? Look, I don't have a whole lot more left in me, OK? Hey, if I
don't have a head, I won't be able to pump at all
(The handlers walk
STAN: Guys, look - I'm co-operating! Guys - the blade -
(Kai is still working on 790, whose eyes light
(Kai turns 790 around to face
790: I will love you forever
(Back in Prince's
XEV: Why is it so hot in here?
PRINCE: That is why we
are always at war. Some suffer in a world of heat and flames, and others
luxuriate in a world of cool water and endless beauty
XEV: What are you
PRINCE: What has always been, and no longer must be
PRINCE: We burn in the heat, and they care nothing for our
XEV: Who are they?
(Prince goes up some stairs, and
opens a door onto a balcony. Xev follows)
PRINCE: No-one knows how
long ago the war began. And no-one knew how it would end, until now. Are you
XEV: Of what?
PRINCE: Of me
XEV: Should I be?
XEV: I still don't know who you are, but I'm not afraid of you
We pump the bellows day and night to keep the air cool, it's the only way we
have to survive. We must escape from this place. There is our new home -
(He shows her the blue planet, which almost fills the
PRINCE: I sense a deep emptiness in you, Xev. Please help
PRINCE: I don't know. You must tell me, I only know that you
PRINCE: It's my gift
XEV: I don't think that I understand
(Prince strokes Xev's face)
PRINCE: I - I have waited
for you forever
XEV: What do you mean?
PRINCE: I knew that somehow,
someday, you would come here, and until that day happened, I would never know
XEV: Is that what you feel - now?
PRINCE: Close your eyes. Close
(Xev closes her eyes. Prince kisses her)
Please help me
XEV: How can I?
PRINCE: Until now, there has always been a
balance. That's why the war has never ended. But now - you, Xev, you are the
grain of sand that will tip the scales. You and your ship - the
(Back on the bridge)
KAI: 790, you do not love me.
You love Xev
790: Who's Xev?
KAI: She is a beautiful love slave
Who cares about a stupid love slave? You are the man of my dreams
for one short period each year, I have been frozen for over four millennia. You
have been switching on once a month during that same period. Since I last
reanimated, Xev and Stan, the other members of the crew, have disappeared. What
happened to them?
790: Don't know, don't care
KAI: 790 - do you love
KAI: Then you will help me locate them
Whatever you say, heart throb of desire
(Stan is still pedalling -
slowly, now. He pauses, and the weight starts to slide down the
STAN: Where's the dead guy when you need him?
(Kai is in the moth chamber. He opens the door of a
moth, but it falls off. He looks inside and sees the state of the
KAI: The moths are all dead, so we cannot fly down to the two
790: Good! And Kai?
790: Your name has a nice ring to
KAI: Thank you, 790
(Inside Prince's chamber)
Where are Stanley and Kai?
PRINCE: They're dead
XEV: Stanley Tweedle was
the one who had the key to the Lexx
PRINCE: The key to the Lexx?
the Lexx only responds to the one who has the key
PRINCE: Is that
XEV: The Lexx is not a grain of sand that can tip the scales, it
is a huge desert. Actually it's the most powerful weapon ever created. It can
destroy a planet within seconds, but only if Stanley Tweedle tells it
PRINCE: He never mentioned that to me
XEV: What do you mean? I though
he was dead
(Kai is on the bridge, topping up his
790: Please Kai, think of me! Think of our future
KAI: When we pass between the two planets, I can drop down to one or
the other. I have no way of knowing which one they are on. I'll have to make a
790: Choose me! Choose the robot head!
KAI: I will not make
790: Then promise me that you'll come back?
KAI: I cannot do
that either. I may not find the means necessary to return
790: Then let me
come with you!
KAI: You would be destroyed on impact. I will call you if I
require your assistance
(Kai gives 790 a squawker. He fires his brace
at the top of the bridge, and makes his way outside the Lexx - on the railing
near the tail end)
KAI: We are at the optimum point. I will let you
choose the planet, 790
790: I will short circuit! I will crash! I cannot
choose one planet over the other, I'm not wired for it
KAI: Then I choose -
the desert planet
790: No - the water planet! The water planet!
will accept your choice, 790
790: You may be dead, but our love will always
(Kai holds his arms out at his sides and dives off the Lexx,
down to Water)
(Stan is exhausted, and finally stops pedalling. The
weight slides off the end of the pole. The blade drops. Stan closes his eyes -
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana