Lexx 4.05 Xevivor
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(Onscreen, a commercial for a new reality show is
VOICE: A tropical island paradise. Ten virile studs. One
drop dead gorgeous babe. And a single night of jungle love!
screen shows beaches, studs, and a girl in a red bikini frolicking in the surf -
doesn't show her face)
VOICE: Lust and survival collide. The sea
breeze is thick with hormones. May the best man win
is being shown to a bunch of TV execs, sat around a desk. A blond man switches
it off - last seen in 3.5 Gondola as Fifi, but now he's called
FARLEY: Any questions - or should I break out the rubber
(At the head of the table is the boss, Oliver. We know he's
the boss because he's not wearing a shirt, and is being massaged by a young
OLIVER: It stinks -
OLIVER: - like gold!
FARLEY: Oh (laughs) The
stink we love!
OLIVER: Great concept Farley. Who's gonna play the
FARLEY: Only the most bodacious babe on the planet - Xev
OLIVER: The honey from prison who ruled the Internet,
FARLEY: Don't I know it! That jug of hot sauce has half the men on
the planet bursting their Levi's! I wanna name the show after her, get this
(He puts on a baseball cap, with the show's
OLIVER: Love it, love it
(Everyone around the desk laughs. A man next to Oliver
whispers in his ear)
OLIVER: Problem, Farley - Roger here tells me
every network around's been trying to hire this Xev creature. No-one can track
her down, nobody knows where she lives, she's disappeared. Do you know something
that we don't?
FARLEY: Well, I couldn't reach her either, but check it out -
a little while back, I get a call from her agent out of the blue - some dude
named Prince. We're working the deal, we're getting close, real close. As a
matter of fact, I got him on the line right now (switches on speaker
phone) Prince! You still there, big guy?
(Prince is in his
office, putting on a different accent)
PRINCE: Sure am, chief. How's
FARLEY: Getting scratched
PRINCE: Whole lotta shaking?
FARLEY: Big time baking
PRINCE: Righteous! Wicked up!
(to Oliver) He says money's not the issue. Prolonged exposure is. He
wants to make sure that Xev's working for the network for a long time
Of course, done - as long as he can have her on location yesterday
Prince, you make the gravy, we'll slather the ham
PRINCE: I like mine from
the butt, meat from the sweet spot
FARLEY: Fine dining
PRINCE: If you like
FARLEY: Hey Prince, pleasure doing business with ya
(Prince hangs up, switches on a screen - which shows
PRINCE: That went well
790: It did. It did indeed
It's a pleasure doing business with you, robot head
790: Yo momma
(Prince switches off the screen)
(Back to the TV
OLIVER: You're a genius, Farley - Xevivor's got monster hit
written all over it
(He puts his arm around Farley's
OLIVER: Tell me - why Zig Zig Island?
never even heard of it, but no matter what questions I put to the computer, it
always selected Zig Zig. Must be the best place
(On the Lexx, 790 is
on the bridge, watching the view screen)
790: Robot revenge has
arrived - right on schedule
(A swarm of alien carrot probes fly past
the Lexx, heading for a small island...)
(Xev is having a shower, while
790 tells her about Xevivor)
XEV: How many men, you say?
Ten. Selected from the finest specimens Earth has to offer. Millions watch as
they compete against each other in a series of contests, and the eventual winner
claims a steamy night of love with the grand prize - you. Sexy, saucy,
XEV: And millions will watch the winner and I fulfil this
night of love?
790: Most certainly
XEV: Hmm - that's OK. I like
(And now 790 is in the galley, pitching the idea to
STAN: How many men?
790: Nine, besides yourself
And the winner gets to rock the love hut with Xev, huh?
STAN: Nah. No no no, it's ridiculous, I mean, how am I ever gonna get
picked for the show?
790: It's already been arranged. One of the spots has
been reserved for a wild card contestant chosen from a computer lottery. I can
guarantee you'll get that position
STAN: Yeah, but what chance do I have once
I get down there? I mean, I'm a man's man, no mistake about that, but these
other guys, I mean, they sound like they've been training for contests like this
all their lives. What chance do I have to win against that kind of
790: Leave that to me, Stanley. I promise that when it's all
over, you'll be all over Xev
STAN: Why are you doing this? What's in this for
790: I'm just trying to give everybody what they want. If you're off
somewhere rubbing yourself against Xev, then I get to be alone with the dead and
delicious one, and hopefully rub against him
STAN: Oh, for the last time - !
Kai is all yours. Xev can't have him, I don't want him - what's the
790: Those not in love will never understand those who are. Now what
do you say, Tweedle? You and Xev, naked under a tropical sun, with the entire
planet admiring your sexual prowess, no doubt leading to all kinds of offers,
from all sorts of sensational Earth females! Is it a deal?
(Stan smiles. So does 790. The Lexx heads back to Earth, and Xev
takes a moth down to Zig Zig Island)
XEV: Kai - will you please
check in on the show from time to time?
XEV: I want you to make
sure everything's OK
790: She'll be just fine
XEV: Will you do that for
STAN: I agree with 790 - nothing's gonna happen, it's, er,
gonna be an experience to treasure
(Stan walks across the bridge to
the moth platform)
KAI: Going somewhere, Stanley?
down to the Earth, why?
KAI: I thought that you wished never to visit there
STAN: Well yeah, but Xev's down there, and - look, I just changed my
mind, OK? Something the living do. You got a problem with that?
KAI: The dead
do not have problems
STAN: Oo, can't agree with you there
790: Hurry along
then, security guard - and good riddance
STAN: Yeah, well, you two have fun
while I'm gone
790: (to Kai) I will if you will
takes a moth and flies down to Earth)
(On Zig Zig Island, Farley is on
the phone to his latest psychiatrist)
FARLEY: Now you listen to me,
Dr not at all helpful - you're the fifth shrink I've been to in as many months!
You blowhards all have the same questions, I don't want any more questions - I
want answers. I want these sick urges to stop, OK?
assistant - Pearl - joins him on the beach, so he
PEARL: Farley! Farley -
FARLEY: Where've you been?
Listen to what these hack writers penned for me. There's no way in hell I'm
saying this. "We've assembled some of the most handsomest, most desirable, most
bodacious men on the planet. We brought them here" - oh, come on Pearl, it makes
me sound like a homo! A guy who talks about men like that is a guy who wants to
crawl all over them - and I'm not that guy, those guys give me the creeps, you
understand? Now get it rewritten!
(He throws his script on the
ground, storms off, then calls back)
FARLEY: Never mind, I'll wing
(Pearl picks up the pages, not happy. In the control tent full of
TV equipment, someone counts Farley in)
FARLEY: Hello, and welcome,
viewers from around the globe. This is a live telecast. I'm Farley Kuckle on Zig
Zig Island, and you're watching Xevivor - the most exciting television event of
all time! We've gathered some of the hunkiest, hottest, cut and buffed beefcakes
you've ever laid eyes on. These studs are to die for!
(He does a
pelvic thrust, then realises how gay he looks. He continues,
FARLEY: They're here for one unforgettable night of love,
with the most succulent female in the universe - but don't take my word for it -
see for yourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the island goddess -
(Xev steps out onto the platform of a beach
XEV: Hi! Hi!
(She laughs, and blows
FARLEY: And her sweaty suitors!
emerge from the waves, and wade ashore. Xev walks down the steps, looks at
XEV: You! Hey, you - I know you
FARLEY: Maybe from
XEV: No, in fact two other lives. You were evil and died in both
FARLEY: Yeah, yeah, that's right. I did die in a previous
life(looks at camera) on another network!
(The studs race
across the beach to Xev, who dances on the steps for them)
When we come back we're gonna pick our wild card contestant. After all -
shouldn't ordinary Joe get to dream the cream dream too?
watching all this on the view screen)
FARLEY: Our six
finalists are right over there, so stick around
(On the beach are six
red sacks, with eye holes. Number 4 -of course- is Stan)
better work, 790
(Xev dances on the beach, surrounded by a circle of
(On the Lexx, Kai walks onto the bridge. He kneels down
to talk to 790)
KAI: Stanley is on the island with Xev. Was this
something you arranged?
790: Yes. I'm going to help him win the night of love
KAI: That will make Stan happy - and Xev unhappy
790: I'm a bad
head - spank me!
(And then Longbore's assistant, Tina, appears on the
view screen. Kai gets up)
TINA: Hello? Spaceship Lexx, is anybody
there, is Kai there? Hello?
790: No-one is here! I'll get rid of her
Do not do that
790: But - this is out together time!
KAI: I am
TINA: Kai! (big smile, poor smitten girl) Dr Longbore asked me
to contact you, and I said contacting you was OK by me. He's found some more
material that relates to the Divine Order symbol and the things you seem
interested in, and he wanted to know if you'd like to return to our planet and
examine it. Do you want to examine it?
KAI: I would
790: No, Kai!
Great! When you arrive, I'll show it to you. I'll show you everything. Will you
KAI: I wish to come
TINA: Me too!
790: I'm going to virtually
KAI: But first I must remain here to monitor the television programme
on which Xev is appearing
TINA: Oh, you can do that here. You can do anything
KAI: Then I will come
790: Kai! Don't do it! Stay with me and be my
cuddle corpse. It's obvious she's a conniving bespectacled tramp!
keep watch till I return
790: Don't leave me!!!
(But Kai takes a
moth and heads for Earth)
790: There's only one thing to do when the
deceased break your heart -
(790 watches Farley spinning a wooden
frame with some balls in)
FARLEY: And now, here we go for Mr Wild
790: And that's to make others pay
FARLEY: Number -
number 6 rolls out of a tube - but 790 has computer code in his
790: Don't think so
(The ball is sucked back up the
tube, and replaced by number 4)
FARLEY: Number - 4? Get on out
STAN: 4? That's me!
(He gets out of his
STAN: That's me, that's me, that's me! I'm the winner, I'm the
STAN: I'm the winner, I'm the
winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner!
(He rushes across the beach,
STAN: Na na na na na! Hi sexy, hi guys
FARLEY: Congratulations. What's your name?
STAN: Stanley Tw -
(He recognises Farley)
STAN: I know you. Schlemmi, Fifi
- you're evil
(Stan runs over to Xev)
FARLEY: Those two
must be sucking on the same bong
XEV: I want you out of here right
STAN: Me? You should worry about him. Xev look, it was just the luck of
the draw, and I mean, what can you do?
XEV: Crush your neck with my bare
hands if I have to
(She smiles sweetly to the
STAN: Well, that wouldn't be very island goddess-like of
you, would it? Besides, this whole world is watching
FARLEY: A full five
hours of our broadcast day is dedicated to bringing you all the action of
Xevivor, live - because we know you, just like those men, want it all, right
(Unseen, a carrot probe scuttles along the beach, eyeing the
(In the love hut. A man is fussing over Xev's hair - now blonde
and curly - while another man is working on her new outfit, which makes her look
like a blue poodle. Farley is sitting in a chair in a
BARBER: Do you mind?
TAILOR: Do you? The wardrobe must be
just so if Xevivor's going to get and keep good ratings
BARBER: That shows
how little you know, Tailor. The secret to good ratings is beautiful
TAILOR: You're an idiot, Barber. The saying is "Dress for success" - not
brush for it. Great clothes, great ratings - period
BARBER: Then we should
get someone in here who can make great clothes, not the ratings killer that
XEV: Quiet, both of you! Farley, I don't care about any wild
card contestant. Stanley Tweedle should not be here
FARLEY: Don't worry about
it, toots. I mean, his chances of thwacking your thong come love night are
precisely zero. Look who he's up against
(Farley gets up, and
proceeds to make a complete idiot of himself)
Chiselled Adonises. Fine hewn slabs of rippled man flesh, pumping out their
pungent testosterone musk, causing a deep and powerful thirst, a thirst that can
only be quenched when a pair of swarthy, hairy arms takes you into their
powerful grasp, and -
(He realises he is getting too excited. Tailor
and Barber are both very amused by this)
FARLEY: Er - you look
great. Really fetching
(Farley hastily leaves the
BARBER: Fetching. Appropriate, seeing as how you dressed her
like a poodle
TAILOR: You know, if the show were on the hair disaster
channel, ratings would be through the roof
(Xev, bored with this,
pulls off the jacket)
(Day One. Xev is on the beach, in the blue poodle
outfit. In one hand she's holding two yellow balloons, in the other the small
basket they're attached to. Inside is a little chick, which she
FARLEY: This is a rare Zig Zig chicken - one of the last of
its kind. This critter is gonna sail over the island until we blow one of the
balloons by remote, causing it to come down. Whoever finds it first and lays it
at Xev's feet wins the day. Xev - let it go!
champions will go after it as soon as they can climb out of their jail.
Gentlemen - on your marks
(The studs are behind a stockade, against a
steep slope, with ropes hanging down. The studs push Stan back across the puddle
at the base of the slope)
studs start climbing the ropes)
XEV: Go go go go!
(All the studs are up the ropes. Stan is struggling. The hunks
race through the jungle, swinging on vines)
(Xev Bellringer - Love Slave
- speaks to the camera)
XEV: The winner of each challenge is granted
immunity from the regular daily voting that eliminates one player from the
contest. Soon, only one lucky man will be left to satisfy my many needs - and I,
(Cedric - Mr Iron Man, 1999)
CEDRIC: I'll win. I'm
the best. The other guys are very good, but I'm the best. Still, having a
withered skinbag like Tweedle around - I dunno, it taints
(Hank - Mr Australia 2000)
HANK: Xev and I, making
out like animals on the first night of love? That'll happen. Stanley Tweedle
passing the first vote? That won't
(Stan rattles at the poles, tries
to climb the stockade. Pearl looks at him, then opens the
STAN: Thank you
(She taps his shoulder,
PEARL: That way
(Stan heads into the
(In the control tent, things are busy. Farley is busy in a
corner, chanting into his mobile)
MOON: That's very good,
FARLEY: It's no use, Mistress Moonbeam. The chant's not working. I
feel more sick urges, not less!
MOON: Your inner child is grieving,
FARLEY: But I'm not one of -
(He sees Pearl looking at him,
lowers his voice)
FARLEY: - them. I despise them. So why? Why do I
keep feeling these urges? What does the tarot say?
MOON: The cards show many
past lives for you, Farley
FARLEY: I see - so I'm like this because of bad
things I've done in the past?
MOON: Trust your inner child, Farley
Well, thank you Mistress Moonbeam, that's really helpful
up, looks worried, and sobs quietly)
(One of the studs - Cedric-
retrieves the basket from a tree)
along, carefully holding the basket - then he hears something, and goes to look.
A carrot follows him. He bends down, then looks between his legs, just in time
to see the carrot leap up into his butt. There are screams)
nearby, but doesn't seem to have heard the screams)
STAN: Well, what
do you know?
(He sees the chick, catches it easily, and heads for the
beach, delighted with himself)
(On the beach, most of the studs have
returned empty handed. Xev is sitting outside the love hut with
FARLEY: Listen - it's not like I believe in New Age hocus
pocus stuff or anything, but, er, I was wondering - could you tell me more about
this guy who you said was like me? Who you met before, you know, who
XEV: Well, first he was Schlemmi, then Fifi - now you
but what, like - what was he like? Like for instance, was he, er - gay?
What is gay?
FARLEY: Gay, you know, gay! Like a man who likes other men, in a
sexual way - which is not me of course, let's make that perfectly clear, I got
"No Trespassing" tattooed on my ass - but, it's just this other guy, I was
wondering if he was like, a little - you know
XEV: Not that I know
FARLEY: Oh. Oh, that's a relief
XEV: But he was very sneaky, and he
never told the truth. And liked to kill people
STAN: Hey hey
(Stan runs along the beach, holding up the
XEV: No, no, no!
(Farley calls his assistant
FARLEY: Pearl, what's going on? The remote crew reported Stud
FARLEY: Yeah, so - go find him, I want
(Xev stands at the entrance to the love hut, not happy.
Farley outs his arm around Stan's shoulders)
FARLEY: Hey, will you
look at that everybody! Our wild card contestant Stanley Tweedle has won our
first contest. Well done Stanley. Go offer your tribute to Xev
walks up the steps to the love hut)
STAN: Well - yum yum. Looks like
Stan and Xev are gonna have fire down below
(Xev walks forward, takes
the chick - and eats it. She pulls a bone out of her mouth, throws it away, and
growls at Stan)
FARLEY: We'll be right back
lands in Longbore's lab. Longbore, Tina and Dougall are there)
What an honour for you to return to us, Kai
TINA: I'll say!
gives Kai an adoring look)
KAI: You have some material you claim is
of interest to me?
LONG: Straight to business, I admire that. Tina, please go
upstairs and prepare things for our visitor
TINA: With pleasure
construction of our space vessel is proceeding well
KAI: You are able to
receive television broadcasts here. I wish to view a show called
DOUG: Oh, no problem. Most of us are completely hooked on
(It's playing on a monitor nearby)
VOICE: Next on
Xevivor - the vote. Who will be the first to leave the
(Pierre - Mr Greater London)
PIERRE: It's a shame
that Tweedle freak is immune, 'cause he'd definitely get my
(Nelson - Professional Wrestler)
Tweedle for sure - the dude's pathetic
(Willy - Male
WILLY: Tweedle - even my dad isn't that much of a
(Xev - lying on the beach at night)
Tweedle has been trying to get me to ride his tower of power ever since I ran
into him. It has not happened in the last 4000 years, and it's sure not gonna
happen in the next 4000 either! (smiles sweetly)
(The monitor shows
her dancing for the studs, in a light blue outfit. Kai and various geeks
(On the island, Farley is getting worried)
Still no sign of number 9? What the hell's going on here?
PEARL: I don't
(On the Lexx, 790 watches the show, and laughs)
tries to dance with Xev, but she pushes him down on the
FARLEY: OK. Well, I'm afraid we don't have the accompanying
footage available at the moment. The first vote has taken place, and the tribe
has voted off Stud number 9. That's right - Hank's history! (hmm - I'm sure
the one who's gone was Cedric) We'll be right back
XEV: Whoa whoa whoa!
Nobody voted. Nobody voted! Now I should know, you know? I would have voted for,
er - Stan. Even if he does have immunity
FARLEY: Look, there's nothing I can
do about it now, folks. Hank never returned. Er - my assistant here informed me
that, er - he got cold feet, and he bailed. He was last seen, um, er - stealing
a canoe, a canoe. So, er, let's forget about him and call it a
(A carrot has been watching this. It scuttles off into the
(Upstairs in Longbore's lab. Kai looks at some files, while
Tina undoes her cardigan)
TINA: I have something else to show
TINA: An old film I found. Please, take my - take a
(Kai sits down. Tina switches on a projector, then sits beside
him and takes her glasses off. An old black and white documentary begins to
FILM: Transylvania - land of legend. Nestled in the foothills
of the Carpathian mountains of eastern Europe is the ancient land of
Transylvania, a land said to have all the superstitions of the world piled up
within its borders. Transylvania is indeed a special place that gestates story
(Tina puts her hand on Kai's chest, leans her head on his
shoulder - he watches the screen)
FILM: Once the mythological home
of vampires, modern Transylvania has progressed far beyond its dark and
KAI: What are vampires?
TINA: A type of living
(She kisses him gently on the face, tries to turn his
FILM: And while Transylvania has retained its old charm,
inside a Europe that has all but disappeared, it has moved forward to keep pace
with the modern amenities of everyday life. Tourists from around the world flock
to Transylvania, not only for its three star hotels and tempting Romanian
cuisine, but also to enjoy the splendour of the Carpathian mountains
I've never given myself to a living man. I always knew I was meant for someone
special, and you're someone special, Kai
(She kisses him, but Kai
watches a figure on the screen)
FILM: - to take romantic rides on
horse drawn carts down winding rural roads, to visit ancient monasteries,
medieval villages, and natural wilderness. Not to mention a plethora of cliff
hanging Transylvanian castles. Once considered to be backwards and perilous,
Transylvania is enjoying its 20th century overhaul, and now stands as Europe's
fifth largest supplier of goats cheese, and second largest manufacturer of
(Kai stands up for a closer look, but then the film starts to
KAI: May I view these images again, picture by
TINA: Sure, I can transfer it to this computer, but it'll take a
KAI: Do you have anymore information about vampires?
gets up and hands him a large old book)
(Xevivor - Day
VOICE: The boys have been divided into teams of three for this
contest, and all get immunity if they win. Each team has a pristine piece of
Xev's lingerie, which must remain that way on threat of disqualification. The
team members take turns, transporting Xev's underwear over challenging
obstacles, and the first to lay theirs at Xev's feet takes the
(Stan, lingerie held in his teeth, is hanging from a rope bridge,
slowly crossing a stream. Of course, he falls in. His team mates - Nelson and
Valentino - are not happy)
NELS: Tweedle, you idiot!
Fellas, help me, help me!
NELS: Help yourself, you useless -
NELS: Must be our lucky day
(And then they
hear the sound of a carrot)
NELS: What's that? What's that
(They go off to investigate)
VALE: Hey look, there's one there
NELS: What are
VALE: Looks like a carrot
(The carrots attack. The studs
fall to the ground, twitching)
STAN: Fellas? Fellas! Fellas?
(There is no sign of the studs. The trees nearby are now
(Later. A soggy Stan is in the control
STAN: Can I have a blanket please?
(Farley is whispering on his phone)
FARLEY: Two more
guys, Oliver! I'm getting a little nervous here. And those missing ones
were(upset) really great guys
(Oliver is sitting on his
desk, getting marked for liposuction)
OLIVER: I know it's a little
messy up there Farley, but as long as the ratings keep going up, who gives a
rat's crapper? And the ratings are going up, let me tell you - phones, faxes,
e-mails by the truckloads, Xevivor's all the rage!
FARLEY: Of course, I'm a
genius! But - it's not just the studs anymore, Ollie - a couple of the crew have
gone missing too
OLIVER: Unreliable union bastards! You're king of the
universe, Farley. Don't let me down now
(Oliver ends the call. Farley
goes over to Stan)
FARLEY: Hey, er - you know like when you knew me
before - not that I believe that you did - er, was I like, you know, was I, like
FARLEY: Gay, gay, you know - did I like men, in a sexual
FARLEY: Oh good
STAN: Why, do you now?
rushes out of the tent)
(Later, everyone is on the
FARLEY: OK everybody - it's voting time. Nelson and Valentino
haven't returned from the field yet, so they miss the ballot. Trouser Snake team
- you're immune. Everybody else is fair game. The voting booth is right over
here, gentlemen. So let's go!
(Everyone looks at Stan angrily, then
take turns poking a hole in their ballot against his name and posting it into a
box. Xev stabs hers with the pencil several times)
(On the Lexx, 790 is
790: Not so fast, hussy pants
(He takes control
of the voting computer. A result prints out, and Farley takes
FARLEY: The vote is a tie - between Nelson and Valentino, the
two studs who've yet to return. So, they're eliminated from the
(No-one is happy with this result - except Stan. Later that
evening, they tell the camera how they feel)
HANK: I punched my
ballot ticket for Stanley Tweedle ****** know no-one voted for him. He's a ****
and he's up to something
PIERRE: **** his ***** if he comes anywhere near me,
I'm gonna kick his ***
HANK: If he thinks he's welcome at the man's camp
anymore, he's got another thing coming. I really hate his guts!
can't believe how the tosser's going on. He's a ******* wanker. Tosser! ******
XEV: I did not come to this island to sleep with Stanley Tweedle -
so somebody somewhere better see to it that he doesn't win, understand?
Sorry - a deal's a deal (laughs)
(Longbore's lab. Kai is reading from
the book, Tina is fixing the film on the projector, Dougall is setting up a
KAI: Immortal lord of the night, lord of death, killer of
man, drinker of blood, of this earth, or somewhere beyond
DOUG: All yours.
I've also set it up so that the images will run simultaneously through the
computer - you can print frames, magnify, whatever
TINA: Let me get the
(Dougall leaves, the film starts again. Tina stands in front of
the screen, takes off her cardigan, lets her hair down, undoes the top two
buttons of her blouse, and walks to Kai)
TINA: I've held out my
whole life for you. I wanna do everything
(She takes his hand, puts
it on her breast)
TINA: I don't know much about vampires, and I
don't much care, but you can suck my blood if you want to
on his lap, strokes his hair)
KAI: The dead do not normally suck
TINA: Neither do the living
(She kisses his neck - but he
just watches the screen)
(On Zig Zig Island, it's the next morning. Stan
is asleep under the platform of the men's camp. He's woken by men kicking sand
HANK: Come on, get up!
HANK: What did you
do to him, Tweedle?
STAN: What are you talking about?
HANK: Jinx, man!
Last night he slept in the cabin, this morning the only thing left was
(He holds up a head scarf)
STAN: Well, I don't know
anything about that
(The studs haul him out)
Besides, you guys kicked me out of the camp, remember?
HANK: Hope you like
this island, Tweedle - it's where you're gonna die
(They throw him
STAN: Oh, is a roll in the sack with Xev worth all this
grief? (smiles) Yeah
(In Longbore's lab, Tina is still
kissing Kai, who is selecting frames to print out. He stands up, with her still
clinging to him)
KAI: There. I am interested in this
(A tall dark figure, with strange pointed
KAI: Of this earth, or somewhere beyond...
Forget about all that, Kai. Plunge your stake into me, please!
kisses him. 790 has been watching this through a web cam, and appears on the
790: Aha! Kai! Get away from her! Murder the tramp!
I will not do that, 790
790: I have a confession to
790: I made a deal with Prince to get Xev on the Xevivor
show, and fixed it so that Stan would be on the island with her -
790: And I also fixed it so that the show took place on Zig Zig
(Kai sits down to look at the monitor - Tina has her arm
790: Because Zig Zig Island is infested
with alien probes, and I wanted Stan and Xev to be dead, so that I could have
you all to myself, without anyone else!
KAI: What type of alien
790: I don't know! Evil ones. They've come to this planet to find out
what tastes good. They're transmitting the results back to some mother ship off
in space somewhere. But who cares, so long as they kill Stan and
(Kai gets up)
TINA: You're awful!
protecting my interests, bitch!
(Tina slams the laptop shut. Kai's
pictures emerge from the printer)
(Meanwhile, on Zig Zig Island -
VOICE: Day Three. Once again our contestants are broken up into
two groups. Their objective - take out as many of the other team as you can with
your paint gun. Capture their flag, and return it to Xev
jungle, Stan is in the lead - his team-mate fires on him from
STAN: What'd you do that for?
HANK: Because I felt like
STAN: But we're on the same team!
(Then the stud sees one of
the missing hunks, with his back to them)
HANK: Hey! Hey Nelson! Hey
Nelson, where you been, man? Heard you fled the island
- he's covered in blood, his trousers all torn)
HANK: Hey, Nelson -
you don't look so good, man
(Stan looks on in horror as Nelson
strangles the stud, then comes after him. Stan squirts him with paint, then
drops the gun and runs)
(Kai walks up to Dougall, who is watching the
show with some geeks)
KAI: Put me through to 790
790: You rang,
KAI: 790, patch me into all the monitors on the island,
(Stan is hiding behind some trees, when Kai's voice comes
out through a speaker)
KAI: Stan, Xev - you are in danger
Yeah, like I didn't know that!
(Xev is standing outside the love hut
in her blue poodle outfit, when she hears Kai's voice)
Xev - for your own safety, leave the island now. Everyone, leave the island
(Xev rushes into the hut)
XEV: Did you hear that,
boys? We all have to - oh
(But it's too late for Tailor and
(Kai gets ready to leave the lab)
TINA: Take me with
KAI: I will not
TINA: Here (hands him printouts) Promise
you'll come back?
(Kai says nothing, and gets into the
TINA: I'll wait for you
(She waves as the moth
(Farley is in the TV tent, on the phone to Oliver - who is
lying on his back on his desk, about to have liposuction)
We're seeing it on remote cameras all over the island. Death! Mutilation! People
being turned into these cyborg killer things! And these little walking
OLIVER: The whole world's watching Farley - and I mean the whole
world, 24/7. It's a phenomenon. And we are concerned for you, but oh baby, don't
worry, we're taking care of you. We've increased the show's liability insurance
to deal with the disgruntled relatives - you know, the mooks who sit at home
watching their son get turned into carrot salad on prime time. The show goes on,
Farley! Kissy kisses!
FARLEY: Oliver! Oliver! Damn!
along the beach to the control tent, past a man who's running away. She goes
inside, and Farley grabs hold of her)
FARLEY: Hey - you know why
this is happening to me. It's because of you
FARLEY: Yeah, it's
your fault. I'm not bad - you made me this way in one of my past lives, and now
I'm paying for it. Isn't it enough that I'm - conflicted inside?!
you just stop talking for a moment?
FARLEY: Oh, shut up!
they hear carrots. One comes in through the opening of the tent, more come out
from behind monitors)
FARLEY: I'm - I'm not gay!
out of the tent)
XEV: It won't help
(Xev leaves the tent,
but Farley is already out of sight. She runs through the trees, as does Stan.
Kai's moth heads for the island. Xev hears carrots, and hides. So does Stan,
next to a speaker - then he hears 790's voice)
790: Yoo hoo! Calling
all drones! The menu items you are looking for can be located on any monitor.
Yoo hoo! Drones!
(Stan looks at the camera - so does
790: Stanley Tweedle and Xev Bellringer are being observed by
cameras located - everywhere!
(They run. Stan runs into a zombie
stud, but gets away. He has to cross the rope bridge, which he manages to do
this time. The carrots run along the rope, and the stud slowly follows. Stan
pauses to speak into one of the fallen cameras)
STAN: I'm really
(He runs on. The carrot chasing him stops, blinks at the
camera, then carries on)
(In the control tent, more drones are watching
Stan and Xev on monitors)
(Stan comes across Farley, who is on the phone,
with his back to him)
FARLEY: I don't know what the hell I'm paying
you for! Will you stop telling me that? I can't help myself, I can't!
Hey you, host guy -
FARLEY: The urges are growing stronger!
STAN: How do
we get off this island?
FARLEY: I have to act on the urges,
(Stan turns Farley to face him - his clothes are covered in
blood. A carrot eye appears in the middle of his forehead)
Hello, handsome. I want to taste your meat
(Stan runs. Farley
FARLEY: I'll be gentle
down a rope, into the stockade. He falls back into the water. Carrots are
jumping down the slope toward him. More carrots and zombie studs are on the
other side of the fence)
STAN: Somebody, help! Help! Help, somebody!
(Xev hears him, and does a lizard roll along the beach,
squashing some carrots. She opens the gate for him)
STAN: Oh, I
really love you, I thank you
XEV: Let's go, Stanley
STAN: My ankle, I
think I twisted it
(He leans on Xev)
XEV: Come on, we
don't have much time. Is your moth nearby?
XEV: So is mine. We
have to reach one of them
STAN: Good plan
(They leave, followed by
studs and carrots)
(In Longbore's lab, geeks are betting on the outcome.
Elsewhere, the TV execs are watching too)
OLIVER: Hot damn - who
needs the Superbowl! (laughs)
(On Zig Zig Island, things are not
XEV: Look - those creatures destroyed the
STAN: Right - we're dead
XEV: We should try to reach the beach. Our
only hope is to swim for it
STAN: I can't swim!
XEV: I can - I think. This
(They keep moving. A carrot follows)
(Kai is still in the
KAI: 790, how long until I reach Zig Zig Island?
Approximately one hour, my perfect pulseless one
KAI: And how long do you
estimate Xev and Stanley can remain alive?
790: Less than that, oh marvel of
rigor mortis. You can't save them - but you can save me
(790 tries to
kiss Kai, but he switches the screen off)
(Stan and Xev are now trapped
on the beach, with zombie crew, studs and carrots backing them into the water.
They put their arms around each other)
STAN: There's nowhere left to
XEV: Then we'll die, Stan
STAN: Well Xev, I know I said it before, hope
I get a chance to say it again, but I doubt it - it's been nice knowing
XEV: You too
(They look at each other - and then the hunks
FARLEY: Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad
(The studs all join in this chance. Stan and Xev look over their
shoulders - out at sea, there is a boat, with a happy couple - who are putting
carrots into a blender)
FARLEY: Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad
(The studs lurch into the waves, and the carrots take off into
STUDS: Bad boat. Bad boat
(On the boat, the
woman looks up, points)
WOMAN: Oh look, over there, what's
(It's Kai's moth, which flies past the boat to the island. Then
a swarm of carrots descends on the boat. There are screams)
the moth on the beach. Stan and Xev are -naturally- very relieved. The moth
flies off into the sunset)
XEV: Thanks for rescuing us, Kai
I am interested in visiting an area of the European continent called
KAI: There may be someone there that fate would
have me meet
STAN: Transylvania, huh? Well, that's fine with me. It can't be
any worse than where we just came from, can it?
STAN: Can it?
(Stan looks at Kai, who says
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana