Lexx 4.13 769 (written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(The Lexx orbits the Moon. Inside, Prince is in the toilet. He
leans across it, and hides a gun. 790 wheels up behind him, and Prince steps
down to look at him)
790: Quick, we don't have much time PRINCE:
Time for what? 790: I would like to make a proposal PRINCE: I'm
listening 790: I want Kai. I don't care about Stan and Xev. I don't care
about the Lexx or planet Earth. I only care about my stiff! PRINCE: I'm so
surprised 790: We should be working together, so I get to spend the rest of
my days alone with Kai, with no-one else around PRINCE: Very well - I will
help you if you will help me. I want to get control of the Lexx, so that I will
have a way off this planet when it comes to total ruin, as it soon will 790:
Why not just find that porn star LooLoo, who stole the key to the Lexx from
Stan, and kill her? PRINCE: No, ATF agents have been scouring the planet for
LooLoo for some time without success. I've come to the conclusion that she never
came back to the Earth, but remained here on the Lexx 790: Then, she must
have been killed by Vlad. Which means the key would have left her body and gone
- into a moth breeder! Since they were the only human beings onboard at the time
- if you can call them human PRINCE: Robot head (he crouches down by
790) - we have a deal
790: Could you turn me around please? I'm
getting nauseous
(Prince looks up. Stan has just
arrived)
STAN: I thought so PRINCE: Thought what,
Stanley?
(Stan picks 790 up. Prince stands up)
STAN: That
you two would get up to something the minute you got a chance. You know what
this makes me feel like doing? PRINCE: You know Stanley, we were thinking -
STAN: Yeah? Well that really worries me
(Stan leaves. Kai is also
there, and looks at Prince. They all go back to the bridge, where Xev, Bunny and
Priest are sitting having a picnic)
STAN: Hey Xev - guess who I
found together? 790 and Prince - alone!
(Stan throws 790 to Kai, then
goes up to Prince)
STAN: So you wanna tell us what you were up
to? PRINCE: I am up to a new spirit of communication between us all STAN:
Oh no no pal - you have finally crossed the line. I think maybe Kai should do
his assassin thing on you, right here and right now. What do you say,
Xev? XEV: I say that's a very appealing idea(smiles) PRINCE:
Wouldn't you even like to try and improve relationship going forward? STAN:
How about no relationship going forward, because you'll be dead!
(Xev
gets up and stands beside Prince)
XEV: Right. You're evil, and you
should die PRINCE: To kill an innocent man in cold blood can hardly be
described as an act of good. Have you become evil yourself, Stanley
Tweedle? STAN: No no no! Don't you try and talk your way outta this. Kai -
you got a problem killing him? KAI: No STAN: OK, well that's it then. Say
goodbye Prince, and good riddance
(Kai readies his
brace)
STAN: You're with me on this, right Xev?
(Xev
nods. Priest and Bunny are trying to make themselves as inconspicuous as
possible)
PRINCE: Do I even get to say a few last words? STAN:
OK, just, just - keep it short PRINCE: Very well. I am sorry that you have no
food, and will have to return to the doomed planet Earth. I am sorry that in the
past, I have made you suffer (to Xev) And I wish you all the very best
of luck STAN: That's it? PRINCE: (smiles) That's it STAN: OK.
Then let's get on with it. Let's get this done. Right Xev? Hmm?
(Xev
isn't looking as sure about it as she was before)
KAI: Stanley, when
you say the words "Kill him now" I will kill him STAN: Oh, I say - I say -
Kill -
(Stan points at Prince, but he can't bring himself to say the
words. He lets his arm drop, walks up to Prince)
STAN: You know,
that it's perfectly fair for Kai to kill you right here and right now, right on
this spot PRINCE: It is fair, yes, but it is not merciful
(Stan
pulls a face, and walks away)
XEV: All right, all right, we're not
going to kill you now. We're probably making a big mistake, but we're not evil
like you, so just get off our ship now and go back to your Type 13 planet Earth
and we'll find ourselves a much nicer one
(Stan pulls Priest and
Bunny away from the picnic)
STAN: Go! Just go before we change our
minds
(They head down the passageway to the moth platform, Kai
carrying 790)
790: Kai - you're my hero! STAN: The food stays
with us! (to Xev) Xev, I mean it about 790, he's way out of control,
we've gotta do something about him now XEV: Like what? STAN: I don't know!
Crush him, reprogram him somehow, or at the very least lock him
up! PRINCE: (to Xev) So this is it XEV: Yes STAN: Yeah. You
leave, we stay. Now go! Kai, if he tries anything funny, you don't have to ask
us, just kill him
(But Kai is standing rigid, holding onto a metal
support)
STAN: Kai? XEV: Leave now, or Kai will kill
you PRINCE: I don't think so STAN: Oh, he will. Kai - PRINCE: - Appears
to be having some sort of problem with his protoblood. In fact -
(He
taps Kai, who falls over)
PRINCE: - He doesn't appear to have any
(smiles) Goodbye Xev
(He kisses her. She hisses at him, but
he just chuckles, and walks away. Xev and Stan kneel down by Kai - then see
Prince, Priest and Bunny heading for the moth)
XEV: Hey, shouldn't
they be taking their space shuttle? STAN: I don't care what they take, as
long as they leave
(Prince puts something into the moth, then climbs
in. Priest and Bunny go around to the other side)
STAN: You're
afraid of the Cluster lizard, aren't you Prince?!
(The moth takes off
- leaving Bunny behind, waving)
STAN: You're - (sees Bunny)
What are you doing here? BUNNY: I don't know (shrugs) They left me
behind! (cries) XEV: Well, we have to get fresh protoblood for Kai
right away
(Stan and Xev drag Kai to the cryochamber. He's on the
floor being topped up for a while before he wakes up)
STAN: Oh - I
was worried there for a while KAI: Where is 790? STAN: He was on the
bridge - wasn't he? KAI: It is unusual for him to have chosen not to be here
when you revived me STAN: Uh oh
(Kai gets up and heads for the
bridge, with the others following)
(The moth lands in the Moth breeding
chamber. Prince holds up 790)
PRINCE: Which one of these has the key
to the Lexx? 790: All moth breeders started off as human prisoners on the
Cluster. Any parts of their brain unnecessary for moth breeding were immediately
excised after they were sentenced for their crimes PRINCE: What
crimes? 790: Using the incorrect fork, cutting the nose off the cheese,
whatever! And who cares?!
(Priest laughs, until Prince looks at
him)
790: All that matters is that now they do not respond to
questions except those directly related to moth breeding and
construction PRIEST: You seem to know rather a lot about them 790: That's
because it was my job to vacuum out their useless bits of brain matter. It was
one of the special skills of the model 790 robot PRINCE: So - how do we tell
which one of these brainless (gets out of moth) gentlemen has the key
to the Lexx?
(Moth breeders walk around, ignoring
them)
790: There's two options - you could bring them to the very
height of sexual ecstasy - but they have no equipment to get ecstatic with, so
that's a dead end. Or you can bring them to the very edge of death PRINCE:
Well, I'm naturally predisposed to the latter. You - come
(He beckons
a moth breeder, who walks over to them)
PRINCE: Strangle
him PRIEST: My prince
(Priest starts strangling the moth
breeder)
790: His hand will glow if he's the one PRINCE: Come on,
out with it
(He hits the moth breeder's head. The poor thing falls to
the floor, dead. Prince smiles)
PRINCE: What a delightful waste of
human life. You - come
(Another moth breeder walks up to Priest, who
waves his hand in front of its face, and laughs)
PRIEST: They are
very stupid!
(Prince slaps the back of Priest's
head)
PRIEST: Sorry
(He starts strangling
again)
(Meanwhile, everyone else is walking along the passageway to the
bridge)
STAN: Prince is gone. You know, he and 790 were up to
something, I know it. It's the only possibility BUNNY: Well, they never tell
me what they're up to, and they left me behind for some reason - I hope XEV:
So what are they up to?
(In the moth breeding chamber, there is now a
pile of bodies. Prince is sitting on the leg of the moth with 790, watching
Priest strangle yet another moth breeder)
PRIEST: My arms are
getting tired 790: Not yet PRINCE: Patience, patience
(The moth
breeder raises a hand, which starts to glow)
790: That's
it! PRINCE: Stop!
(Priest lets go. Prince stands by the moth
breeder)
PRINCE: This is your lucky day PRIEST: Not mine. My arms
feel like they are going to fall off
(He shakes his hands, until
Prince looks at him)
PRIEST: Sorry
(Stan, Kai, Xev and
Bunny arrive on the bridge. Bunny points at the view screen, which shows the
moth heading for Earth)
BUNNY: Look! Do you think it's the
President? STAN: In fact I do. At least they're heading in the right
direction, which is away from us
(Prince is flying the moth. Priest
is sitting beside him, holding 790, and the moth breeder is in the
back)
790: Do you know what the secret to really great sex
is? PRINCE: No, do tell me 790: A really big stiff!(laughs)
PRIEST: First Lady Bunny says that too
(The moth heads for
Washington)
(The cryochamber. Kai gets into his
cryopod)
STAN: Are you sure about this Xev? XEV: Well, we know
that Prince has gone down to Earth and that Kai's supply of protoblood is
limited, so I think we should save him for when we really need him. Don't you
agree Kai? KAI: Yes
(The moth has landed in Washington. In the
White House (?) Prince is standing by a screen - some sort of surgery is taking
place behind it)
790: Three microns more - now two - one - stop! Oh
yeah baby, that feels good! PRINCE: Careful, careful 790: I'm a-coming for
the man in black - yeah!
(Prince looks of the shoulders of the two
surgeons (mechanics?) working on 790)
790: Hey! PRINCE: What is
it? 790: I can feel something PRINCE: What, 790? 790: My - my
- PRINCE: Yes, yes? 790: My hands!
(Fists punch the doctors to
the ground, and 790 sits up - he's now attached to the moth breeder's shoulders,
next to the original head. He gets off the operating table and staggers around
clumsily, the moth breeder banging his head against the lights)
790:
Wait till Kai gets a load of me. And Prince? PRINCE: Yes? 790: On the
Cluster, a 790 robot attached to a body that kept its original head was called a
769, so that's what you should call me now, if you don't mind PRINCE: Not a
problem, 769. So part one of your transformation is complete
(The
doctors get up, but 790 knocks them down again)
790: Yes. And now
it's time for part two - the big part!
(In the cryochamber, Stan is
trying to talk Xev and Bunny into something)
STAN: No no no, see
what I'm saying is here we are, three of us, you know, one man, two women - one
very healthy man, two very -
(He puts his arms around their
waists)
BUNNY: Who wants to play a game? XEV: What kind of
game? STAN: I'm interested in just one type of game
(He pulls them
close to him, but Xev walks away)
BUNNY: It's called Truth or Dare.
We used to play it in high school all the time, it's really fun STAN: Yeah,
I'm sure Bunny you used to play some wonderful games in high school, but you see
now were grown ups, and now we play grown up games BUNNY: It is a grown up
game STAN: Oh yeah, how so? BUNNY: Well, you have to play to find
out XEV: All right BUNNY: Come on!
(They go into Xev's
bedchamber, all sit on the bed)
BUNNY: OK - so someone starts off by
asking someone else "Truth or dare?" Now if you say "Truth" then you have to
answer the truth, no matter how weird or embarrassing it might be. And if you
say "Dare" then you have to do whatever that person dares you to do STAN:
Yeah well what about if you said like, er, OK "Stan, jump off the
bridge"? BUNNY: I wouldn't say that STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but what if
you did? Would I have to do that? Because if I do, I'm not playing BUNNY: It
doesn't work like that! You know, you're supposed to give people hard dares but,
you know, ones they can do, not ones that are gonna like - kill them, or
anything XEV: That could be fun STAN: Or not BUNNY: Can we start? Can I
go first? XEV: Sure BUNNY: OK - Xev, truth or dare? XEV: Um -
truth BUNNY: Truth. OK, um - have you ever wanted to go all the way with
Stan? XEV: Stan? Let me think - have I ever wanted to go all the way with
Stan? Now when you say all the way, do you mean giving him everything a love
slave could give a man, like a total passionate commitment to satisfying his
every desire? BUNNY: Um - yeah XEV: No
(Stan looks disappointed
- you think he'd be used to this by now!)
XEV: Sorry Stan, it's the
truth STAN: OK, my turn - boy, have I got a dare for you
(The Oval
Office. President Priest is singing a song in French (Sur le Pont d'Avignon?).
He is playing an accordion, wearing a beret and a string of onions, and has a
baguette in his pocket. Three French diplomats give him a round of
applause)
FRENCH: It is incroyable that no-one knows that your
mother is French PRIEST: On her father's side FRENCH: This makes it easy -
you can dump your old nuclear submarines in the Indian Ocean, off Australia,
wherever you want. France will no longer object PRIEST: Merci beaucoup,
monsieur (they clink glasses) FRENCH: A votre sante, et au revoir
PRIEST: Au revoir monsieur, merci beaucoup
(Priest hurries them
out of the office, rapidly using up his French vocabulary)
PRIEST:
Au revoir, Paris, Paris, baguette, bonsoir, oui. Au revoir, baguette, brioche,
brioche, brioche!
(They leave. He shuts the door)
PRIEST:
That went well
(He goes to his desk, takes off his French props, and
rummages in another dressing up box. By the time three Native Americans come in,
he's wearing a cowboy hat and boots, sitting with his feet propped up on the
desk, twirling a gun. He offers them some tobacco)
PRIEST:
Chew? NATIVE: No thank you
(Priest spits his tobacco out, then
walks over to them, and shows off his gun - and his cowboy
accent)
PRIEST: It's my grandpa's. He used to run his cattle across
Indian lands in Oklahoma. Five notches on the handle. Grandpa used to say "The
sound of a Colt 45 is the only language the no-good redskin varmints
understand"
(He laughs. They don't. Priest realises something is
wrong)
PRIEST: You are the representatives of the Western
Cattlemen's Association, right? NATIVE: No. We are no-good redskin varmints
actually PRIEST: Hmm. I see. In that case I must have the wrong box. The
wrong box! The wrong box actually, sorry
(Priest goes back to his
desk, as Prince and 790 enter. Priest pulls on a feather head-dress and gets out
a pipe - then sees Prince and 790)
PRIEST: And that means you have
to leave now, yes yes, time to go. Don't worry, we'll smoke a peace pipe and
you'll get plenty of wampum. That's right, everything's fine, bye bye then,
goodbye
(He ushers them out of the office)
PRIEST:
Marvellous work
(He pats 790 on the head)
PRIEST:
Hello 790: Hello
(Prince holds out his hand. Priest kisses
it)
PRIEST: My prince MOTHB: Must build more moths 790: Shut
up! So where's the beefcake? PRIEST: Yes, yes, the beefcake (on
intercom) We are ready for the beefcake now, send them in PRINCE: Ten -
shun! Hut hut hut hut hut!
(Six army guys march in,
salute)
PRINCE: Stand at ease
(He walks over to the
men)
PRINCE: Gentlemen, as you know the Commander in Chief has
always had a great affection for his armed forces - and their (looks down)
- equipment. You have been called to the Oval Office today for a special
short arm inspection 790: I want a long one! PRINCE: Yes, yes (to
soldiers) We live in difficult times gentlemen, and in difficult times the
best among us are often called upon to make a heavy sacrifice for the good of
the nation. And for the most gifted of you, today is the day for that
sacrifice 790: I want the black one! PRINCE: Having combed through the
medical records of nearly two million men, you six have stood out from your
peers for one simple yet crucial reason, which is vital to our national
defence 790: You've all got massive torpedoes in your pants! PRINCE: What
my colleague from the CIA here is trying to say, is that in order to determine
the longest- 790: And the thickest! Don't forget the thickest! PRINCE: -
the longest, short arm, it is necessary for you all to immediately drop your
drawers 790: You heard the man - drop 'em! PRIEST: That's an order, from
your Commander in Chief
(They drop 'em)
PRINCE: See
anything you like? 790: I can only pick one, right? PRINCE: I think that
would be best 790: Let me have a closer look
(790 walks along,
inspecting each man in turn)
790: Come on soldier, stand to
attention... Let's see a little life in the old cannon... What are you, sick or
something?... Oooo PRINCE: Happy? 790: I will be PRINCE: Good. Pants
up! Dismissed!
(They pull their pants up and leave - but Prince stops
one of them)
PRINCE: Not you, soldier 790: You're the one - the
man with the big artillery PRINCE: Thank you Mr President. We'll take care of
it - of him, from here on. Walk this way, soldier
(Prince, 790 and
the soldier leave. Priest aims his gun at them)
PRIEST:
Pow!
(On the Lexx, Truth or Dare continues)
STAN: Truth
or dare, Xev XEV: Dare STAN: OK Xev - I dare you to right now plant a real
live wife bank trained love slave quality big fat wet kiss on a real live
red-blooded human specimen, meaning one who's not dead and one who's not half
Cluster lizard, just in case you try to kiss yourself XEV: I thought you
weren't supposed to give people dares that you knew they couldn't do STAN:
Yeah, unlike jumping off the bridge, well locking your lips on mine is not
exactly like jumping off the bridge Xev, not exactly at all, as you will soon
find out XEV: OK then - I take your dare. I'll show you how a love slave
kisses
(Xev leans forward. Stan puckers up. Xev moans - and kisses
Bunny instead, which comes as a pleasant surprise for Bunny, if not
Stan)
STAN: Oh come on, that's cheating! Xev, you're cheating. Xev -
cheating
(Xev breaks off the kiss)
XEV: What? STAN:
Cheating? XEV: Bunny - you're a real live hot-blooded human specimen, aren't
you? BUNNY: I think so! (giggles) XEV: So do I STAN: Oh,
yuck!
(The White House. The unfortunate young soldier is lying on an
operating table, saluting, in full uniform - with a bandage around his crotch.
An army guy places a medal on the bandage)
ARMY: Congratulations,
soldier. You've certainly earned your Purple Heart
(790 is on a table
nearby, undergoing more surgery)
790: Oh yeah baby - that's it, oh,
that's it! That's the one
(Back on the Lexx, Stan has now lost all
interest in the game)
XEV: So Bunny - truth or dare? BUNNY: Um -
I wanna ask you both a question. Can - can I go to the bathroom? XEV: You
don't have to use up your question to go to the bathroom STAN: Why shouldn't
she, it's a question BUNNY: So, can I go? XEV: Of course BUNNY: OK. Um
- I'm going there now
(She runs into the toilet, and removes the gun
from its hiding place)
BUNNY: I'm only doing this for you, Mr
President
(As soon as his surgery is complete, 790 gets up and knocks
the doctors out)
790: Feels really good! It's missile launching
time!
(He gets off the bed, and punches some ATF guards who try to
stop him)
790: Dead man, 769's flying home - with a present for
you
(The moth takes off)
(Back in Xev's bedchamber -
)
STAN: So that's it, eh Xev? Every time I come up with a good dare
you're gonna find a way to cheat and not do it, huh? XEV: Well, you haven't
come up with a good dare yet STAN: Well neither have you! XEV:
(laughs) I already know all the truths I wanna know about you, and I
can't think of any dare that does anything for me either - except one STAN:
What's that? XEV: I dare you to jump off the bridge
(smiles) STAN: Ha ha ha
(Bunny returns)
BUNNY:
Hi STAN: Hi XEV: Bunny! It's your turn - truth or dare?
(Bunny
points the gun at them)
STAN: What's that? BUNNY: A gun STAN:
A gun, uh huh XEV: Where did you get the gun, Bunny? BUNNY: I found it in
the bathroom XEV: What are you going to do with that gun? BUNNY: I'm gonna
shoot you - both of you STAN: OK now Bunny, just put the - (he tries to
get up) BUNNY: Don't! Look, I don't wanna do this but I have to,
OK? XEV: Why? BUNNY: I'm sorry, but I just have to STAN: Your husband
put you up to this, didn't he? BUNNY: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. It's
bad enough that I have to shoot you XEV: Bunny - Prince is evil. Your husband
is evil. You are not evil. You don't have to shoot anyone if you don't want
to BUNNY: Yes I do! You don't respect the presidency, either of you STAN:
Well yeah, that's true, Bunny, we don't respect the President, and we don't
respect Prince, but is that any reason to kill us? BUNNY: Yeah XEV: Listen
- Prince controls your husband. If you kill us, you're not doing what he wants,
but what Prince wants BUNNY:(agitated) I know what I'm
doing! XEV: Bunny, think. If you kill us, then Kai will kill you. And if he
finds out that Prince and Priest were behind this he will kill them
too BUNNY: Uh uh - he's in cryo-freezy STAN: OK look Bunny, a joke is a
joke, OK, now put the gun away BUNNY: Look I'm sorry but I still have to kill
you XEV: Bunny, look at me. You are not evil - they are BUNNY: Stop saying
those things. President Priest is the most wonderful, loyal decent man in the
whole world and I love him completely STAN: Now look -
(He tries
to stand up again, but she points the gun at him and he sits
down)
BUNNY: Don't make this any harder than it already is STAN:
OK BUNNY: I guess this is goodbye then STAN: No Bunny wait! BUNNY:
Goodbye Stan. Goodbye Xev. You were a really good kisser
(Xev nods -
she has to admit this. Bunny points the gun, looks away)
(The Oval
Office. A man is hammering at the back of the television)
MAN:
Getting the signal now
(The television shows the Lexx bridge - and
Bunny holding the gun)
BUNNY: Mr President? I did it. I shot
them
(She can see Prince and Priest on the view
screen)
PRINCE: Good. And are they dead? BUNNY: Yeah. I went in
there with the gun that you left for me and I shot them. They're dead all
right PRINCE: Where did you shoot them? BUNNY: Between the eyes PRINCE:
That's unfortunate BUNNY: I thought that's what you wanted PRINCE: A quick
death would have been better. However, so long as the job is done BUNNY: It
was a quick death PRIEST: You're such a good Bunny BUNNY: I love you. I
would do anything for you Mr President. Can I come back now? PRINCE: I think
you should come back now Bunny, to the White House, and have a little private
celebration with the President BUNNY: Oh, I can hardly wait! (jumps up
and down, excited) PRINCE: But it will have to wait until you bring the
bodies of Xev and Stan with you. We must make sure they have a proper
burial PRIEST: I know, it's a terrible job, Bunny wunny PRINCE: Especially
with Tweedle. He's fat PRIEST: And ugly PRINCE: And stupid PRIEST: And
old PRINCE: And cowardly PRIEST: And pathetic PRINCE: And
boring PRIEST: You can drag the security guard upside down if you want, so
you don't have to look at his fat, ugly, stupid, old - PRINCE:
Cowardly PRIEST: Cowardly, pathetic, boring face - on the trip
home PRINCE: Cheerie bye, First Lady Bunny (waves) PRIEST: Bye
bye, Bunny wunny (waves) BUNNY: Bye! (waves)
(The view
screen goes blank - and Stan and Xev step out from behind the control
pedestal)
STAN: That's it! I'm gonna wake up Kai and tell him to go
down to Earth and kill them right now! BUNNY: But you said just Prince! That
was the deal, remember, that you wouldn't harm the President if I helped
you! STAN: OK, OK, just Prince, not that the President doesn't deserve it
just as much - almost XEV: Don't worry Bunny - you did the right
thing
(She puts her arm around Bunny's shoulders)
BUNNY:
I don't know - but I can't kill anybody STAN: Well that's because you're not
a killer - but Kai definitely is. Did you hear what they said about me? XEV:
Yes STAN: They said I was old! XEV: Well you are - more than four thousand
years old in fact
(They are about to leave the bridge, when a moth
lands on the moth platform, and 790 gets out)
STAN: 790?! 790:
790? (waves a finger) No no no no. I used to be called 790 - but he was
just a robot head, limited in the means of love. The new 769 has all the
equipment a dead man could ever want STAN: I don't believe this 790: I'm
back - bigger and better than ever XEV: Well 790, you obviously got what you
wanted. What did Prince get in exchange? STAN: Yeah, what did you give
Prince? MOTHB: Must build bigger moths, must build bigger moths 790: Shut
up!(he punches himself) And now, if you will excuse me, I have a date -
with death!
(He walks off the bridge. The others all follow him to
the cryochamber)
790: The time has - come. The wait is
over
(He operates the cryopod controls, and Kai's cryopod
opens)
790: Missile launching time!
(He strokes himself,
then drapes himself against the side of the cryopod, looks at
Kai)
790: Hello gorgeous KAI: Hello 790
(790 strokes
Kai's chest)
790: I go by 769 now KAI: You've changed 790:
Have I? I suppose I have, Kai-o-lectable (taps his face) But wait till
you see the surprise I brought - for us
(790 rubs his crotch, just as
Stan, Xev and Bunny arrive)
STAN: Oh, yuck! XEV: Kai? BUNNY:
Yuck! - sorta KAI: Stan, Xev, Bunny
(The moth breeder is now
stroking his crotch with both hands)
MOTHB: Bigger, harder, moths.
Bigger, harder, moths 790: Quiet! Look - if you wanna watch, I don't care.
It's going to be spectacular. Just keep it down - because I can't. I am now the
proud owner of the biggest missile of them all. It's stuffed with explosives,
and ready to explode with love - and it has Kai stamped on the side STAN: Oh,
isn't that romantic!
(790 strokes Kai's chest)
790: I
want to please you so badly KAI: The dead cannot be pleased 790: That's
OK. Love crazed robot heads psychotically obsessed with their stiffs are easy to
please. Now bend over KAI: Why? 790: Just bend over and you'll soon find
out XEV: Now how does this make sense? I always thought your tiny particle of
brain came from a woman 790: Man, woman, I'm not fussy. I've got my rocket
and I'm ready to launch it STAN: Forget it 790, or 769, or whatever your
number is now. Nothing is gonna happen between you and Kai, but you are gonna
tell us exactly where Prince is and what he's up to, right now! KAI:
769? 790: I agreed to help Prince get control of the Lexx if he agreed to
give me all the equipment I needed to love my man. But as soon as it was
stitched on I fought my way out of the White House, stole the moth and came
here, to test my weapon on your stiff cold corpse KAI: Is that true? 790:
Yes! STAN: I don't believe him XEV: Well, 790 always tells the truth to
Kai STAN: OK then - where are Priest and Prince right now? 790: Can't you
see I'm busy, security guard? I've got important things - to do KAI: tell
him, 790 790: I don't know! The last time I saw them they were in the White
House. I told you, I fought my way out of there and flew straight to the Lexx. I
didn't stop on the way to visit anyone. That's the whole story, and you can
leave me alone with my stiff now - if you don't mind STAN: Well, I think we
do mind XEV: Kai, 790 is only interested in pleasing himself, and you should
have nothing to do with it KAI: Why? STAN: Because it's
disgusting! KAI: The dead do not feel disgust STAN: I can't believe we're
even talking about this! Listen 790, whatever ideas you may have about what's
gonna happen between you and Kai, that's all they are, just ideas, because
they're not gonna happen! 790: Why not? XEV: Because we don't want them to
happen BUNNY: I might want it to happen STAN: What?!
(Bunny
stands behind 790, watching)
BUNNY: I like things different, you
know, and this is different. I'm an aerobics instructor,
remember?
(790 rubs himself up against Kai)
790: Don't
deny me, dead boy!
(Stan pulls Xev aside)
STAN: Xev - we
have got to put a stop to this, right now. What we got here is an out of control
robot head, and now he's got a body with even more out of control
parts!
(790 crouches before Kai, then stands up and pulls Kai's hands
to his chest)
XEV: I don't know Stan - I'm a love slave, and I know
what it's like to be denied love 790: I'm trembling all over with excitement.
I'm a robot on the edge. A robot with a rock hard missile closing in on its
target! MOTHB: Bigger harder moths, bigger harder moths! 790: You're
spoiling my moment!
(790 slaps the moth breeder's
head)
790: Don't deny me. I'm exploding with passion. I don't know
if I can control myself any longer! Please Kai - we could have a hot and cold
future together, just the two of us XEV: Let 790 have his moment and then
we'll do whatever it is that we have to do STAN: Which is what? XEV:
Something. Reset him, switch him off, melt him down MOTHB: Bigger harder
moths! Bigger - 790: No! Say yes. Say yes, say yes, say yes yes yes
yes!
(His hand starts to glow - and the key jumps behind him, into
Bunny. The moth breeder bumps into her)
790: What is it now,
bubblehead? Can't you see I'm busy? BUNNY: Bubblehead?!
(She kicks
790 right off the moth breeder's shoulder. 790 screams, which brings Stan and
Xev back)
XEV: What happened? 790: Kai
(Kai gets out
of the cryopod)
MOTHB: Must build harder moths BUNNY: Well,
things just got too weird for me, so I knocked his block off
(She
sounds quite pleased with herself)
STAN: Well, good. Now listen Kai,
will you please kill Prince, once and for all? KAI: If that is what you
wish XEV: That is what we wish BUNNY: Not the President,
remember!
(They all leave the cryochamber. Kai takes a moth, heads
for Earth. Stan, Xev and Bunny go to the bridge)
STAN: See Xev, you
should have let me kill Prince when I had the chance PRINCE: Yes, you should
have
(Prince walks onto the bridge, aiming a gun at them. Priest is
behind him)
BUNNY: Mr President! PRIEST: Bunny!
(She
runs to him, hugs him, and they fall to the floor)
PRINCE: Not now,
Mr President
(Priest gets up, follows Prince)
STAN: 790,
connect us with Kai on the moth right now XEV: 790, do it! 790: Not
interested (lying on the floor) XEV: What are you doing back
here? PRINCE: Getting control of the Lexx. Getting Kai off the Lexx. Getting
rid of you - in that order BUNNY: Mr President I don't understand - I just
talked to you in the Oval Office PRIEST: Yes, but I wasn't there PRINCE:
Bunny, that was a pre-recorded conversation that the President and I put on tape
before we took the space shuttle to come up here PRIEST: Prince figured it
all out in advance. It was an excellent plan PRINCE: It was obvious that the
robot head would betray me PRIEST: And he knew that First Lady Bunny wouldn't
be able to pull the trigger PRINCE: Even though we had a deal (looks at
Bunny) So - we had to get Kai off the Lexx PRIEST: It was a brilliant
plan PRINCE: Genius PRIEST: Inspired PRINCE: Coolly
calculated PRIEST: Almost perfect PRINCE: Almost?
(He points
the gun at Priest)
PRIEST: Oo - I mean, completely perfect, of
course
(Priest kisses the gun. Prince points it at
Stan)
PRINCE: So, now all that remains is to deal with the
unfinished business PRIEST: Which is? PRINCE: Stanley Tweedle and Xev of
B3K
(Prince gives the gun to Priest, who aims it at Stan. Stan has
realised Bunny's gun is lying on the pedestal. Prince sees him looking at
it)
PRINCE: Ah yes - that must be the gun that I left for First Lady
Bunny. Do you think you can get to it Stan? Before Priest pulls the
trigger? XEV: Go for it Stan, I'll kill Prince PRINCE:
How?
(She moves closer to him)
XEV: I'm stronger than
you, you know that. And I have a very big appetite PRINCE: Yes, I'm sure that
you do. Point the gun at Xev, Mr President XEV: Go for it, Stan PRINCE:
Yes, go for it Stan STAN: But if I do they'll shoot you XEV: It's our only
chance, now go for it STAN: I can't XEV: Do it!
(Stan dives for
the pedestal, grabs the gun, and aims it at Prince. Priest aims at Stan, but
Prince holds up a finger. Priest nods, and lowers his gun. Stan squeezes the
trigger - but nothing happens. He looks at the gun)
STAN: It doesn't
work
(Prince takes the gun from him)
PRINCE: That weapon
is equipped with a child safety lock - and it is in the on position. However,
now - it is not
(He points the gun at Stan, who is sitting on the
floor)
PRINCE: Bang! BUNNY: You never told me about the child
safety lock PRINCE: There was no need, because I knew that you would never
pull the trigger - unlike Stanley Tweedle
(He pokes Stan's nose with
the gun)
(Kai is still in the moth, heading for Earth)
KAI:
790 790: Hiya doll KAI: Where are Stan and Xev? 790: They're indisposed
at the moment - but don't worry KAI: Is everything all right? 790: Oh
absolutely. Everything is excellent, absolutely excellent KAI: Thank
you
(On the bridge, Stan and Xev are now bound and gagged on the
pedestal. Priest is aiming a gun at them. Prince is holding
790)
PRINCE: Thank you, 790
(He kisses his
casing)
790: Please - I only have lips for Kai
(Prince
puts him down, goes over to the pedestal)
PRINCE: So - Kai has
checked in - therefore it is time for the two of you to check out
(He
undoes Xev's gag)
PRINCE: Any last words? XEV: Not for
you
(Stan mumbles something. Prince undoes his gag)
STAN:
- plenty to say! Bunny - grab a gun and shoot Priest and Prince - not because
they're completely evil - which they are! - but because it's the only thing that
you can do to save yourself from Kai, because Kai is a Divine Assassin and he
will hunt you down and he will kill you, every one of you PRIEST: May I shoot
them now, my prince? PRINCE: Yes, you may BUNNY: No!
(Bunny
runs away, crying)
790: Don't you want to stay and see them get
shot? PRINCE: Unlike us, I do not believe she wants to
(Kai
appears on the view screen)
KAI: And nor do I. Are you about to kill
Stan and Xev? PRINCE: Yes KAI: I would not recommend that PRINCE:
Why? KAI: I am on my way back to the Lexx, and I will kill you, very
soon
(The moth heads for the Lexx)
PRIEST: Should I shoot
them now, my prince? PRINCE: Not yet (to Kai) What will you give me
if I decide not to kill them? KAI: A quick and painless death PRINCE: Not
enough. Mr President - STAN: No! Kai, Kai, Kai, give them anything they
want. Don't let them shoot us XEV: No, don't agree to anything, they deserve
to die PRINCE: I'm waiting, but not for much longer. Make me an offer I can
accept and quickly, otherwise I promise you I will end their lives,
quickly KAI: I would like us to play the game you call chess again PRINCE:
As would I KAI: If you agree not to kill Stan and Xev now, we will play
another game PRINCE: Will you kill me after the game? KAI: No PRINCE:
Even if I lose? KAI: I agree not to kill you at the end of the game, no
matter what the outcome PRINCE: (to Priest) Let's go PRIEST:
Go? PRINCE: Go PRIEST: And Bunny? PRINCE: She can stay here. I'm sure
she'll fit right in. No, on second thought we won't leave First Lady Bunny
behind. Go find her now PRIEST: Now? PRINCE: Now! PRIEST: Yes my
prince
(He hands Prince the gun, and goes off to find Bunny, who is
crying in a passageway. Priest kneels in front of her)
PRIEST:
Bunnykins - BUNNY: Get away from me, you murderer! PRIEST: No no no no no,
Bunny wunny snugglebuns, I'm not a murderer BUNNY: Yes you are! Stan and Xev
were right, but now they're dead! PRIEST: No they aren't. I persuaded Prince
to let them go BUNNY: You did? PRIEST: Yes, I did. and now we have to go
too
(Bunny grabs hold of him, starts kissing him)
PRIEST:
No Bunny - not now, we can't
(She undoes his
belt)
PRIEST: I mean, we shouldn't
(She pulls up her
top)
PRIEST: I mean - we have to be quick
(He starts
kissing her)
(Meanwhile, back on the bridge - )
STAN: Well -
won't be long now XEV: Are you worried, Prince? PRINCE: Kai is a man of
his word, is he not? STAN: Well, we'll soon find out, won't
we?
(Prince leaves the bridge)
(In the passageway, Priest and
Bunny are still at it - and Bunny's hand is glowing)
BUNNY: Oh, Mr
President! PRIEST: Oh Bunny!
(The key flies off down the
passageway, just before Prince arrives)
PRINCE: Not the time, Mr
President
(He pulls Priest away from Bunny by his
ear)
PRIEST: No no no PRINCE: No PRIEST: Of course, my
prince PRINCE: Not the time PRIEST: No no no. Of course my prince. It's
not the time. Not time, not now
(They head back to the bridge, Priest
and Bunny pulling clothes back on. Meanwhile, the key flows along a passageway,
into the moth breeding chamber - and into a moth breeder)
(Kai arrives on
the bridge)
790: I missed you STAN: So did we
(Prince,
Bunny and Priest walk onto the bridge. Kai readies his
brace)
PRINCE: A deal is a deal - isn't it? You are a man of your
word, are you not? KAI: Yes
(Kai fires his brace, freeing Xev and
Stan)
STAN: Oh Kai, thank you thank you thank you
(Priest
and Bunny walk away, very cautiously)
STAN: They take their shuttle,
not a moth PRINCE: Of course. We just borrowed the moth XEV: How did you
know to come back? KAI: 790 told me that everything was absolutely excellent,
which could only mean not excellent for you and Stanley 790: Can't disagree
with you there, oh stiff and sexy one
(Kai aims his brace. Prince
looks at him)
KAI: Any last words?
(Priest and Bunny get
into the shuttle, start strapping themselves in)
PRINCE: You said we
would play a game of chess. Can I do that if I'm dead? KAI: You
can PRINCE: How? KAI: On Brunnis 2 the truly committed learned to play
after death. That is how you and I will play PRINCE: Cheerie
bye
(Kai fires his brace through Prince's chest, killing him. The
shuttle leaves)
STAN: Oh yes Kai, you did it! You did it, we're
finally free of Prince! Yes!
(The view screen shows the shuttle
heading for Earth)
XEV: Well - maybe the little blue planet is no
longer so bad after all, right Stan?
(In the shuttle, Priest is also
quite happy with this turn of events)
PRIEST: He's dead. He's dead!
He's really dead! Now I will rule this planet!!
(He laughs - Bunny
joins in, sounding unsure)
PRIEST: Hmm. But what are we going to do
without someone to tell us what to do? BUNNY: (thinks) Well at least
we could do - PRIEST: What? BUNNY: Anything we want! You're the
President, remember? And now Prince isn't around to tell us what to do and stop
us from having fun, in bed
(Priest laughs - then remembers
something)
PRIEST: We can't, Bunnykins. The President can't have
anymore fun with the First Lady BUNNY: (upset) Why not? PRIEST:
You have the key to the Lexx - if we have any fun - you know, together - you
could reach the edge of sexual ecstasy and lose the key BUNNY: Can't I even
touch your zipper? Just a little? PRIEST: I don't think so
Bunnykins
(Bunny pulls a face)
PRIEST: You do still have
the key to the Lexx, don't you? BUNNY: I think so (looks at her
hand)
(Back on the Lexx, Stan picks 790 up)
STAN: 790, 790,
what you did is completely unforgivable. Your schemes to kill me and Xev are
just, just - totally out of control 790: I am totally out of control - with
passion STAN: Yeah, well the next time, you're gonna end up on the scrap
heap. Xev agrees with me, don't you Xev? XEV: Yes STAN: Yeah. Kai? KAI:
Yes
(Kai leaves the bridge. Xev also starts to
move)
STAN: Where are you going? XEV: Oh, just going for a little
walk. I was thinking about that poor moth breeder STAN: Yeah? What exactly
were you thinking? XEV: That he might need some help building bigger harder
moths (she leaves) STAN: Yeah, yeah. Everybody's got a moth in their
pants
(He leaves the bridge too. Prince's body is lying on the floor.
A light flickers up it - slowly at first, then more quickly, until his body
vanishes)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana
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