Lexx 4.16 Moss (written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)
(A hearse is driving along a country road. Xev is at the
wheel, with Stan beside her, and Kai lying on the back seat)
STAN:
Well, are we just gonna keep driving on until this car stops like the other
one? XEV: I'm open to suggestions - but I'd say we have to find one of those
space shuttles that they use on this planet STAN: Well, do you know where to
find one? XEV: Not exactly STAN: Kai, do you remember where they keep
those space shuttles? KAI: (drowsy) Who would you like me to - would
you like - me to like? STAN: Well, he's not gonna help XEV: His protoblood
seems to be failing completely, Stanley. We have to get him back to the Lexx,
soon STAN: Well, I know! We should never have let Gordon and that stupid
Skankita steal our moth XEV: Oh yeah, was that my fault? STAN: Well -
XEV: If we can't get Kai back to the Lexx then at least we have to find a
new freezer to put him in STAN: So you don't have a plan, we're just gonna go
nowhere? XEV: Yeah
(There are some road works ahead of them. A
white van is nearby, and a man with a Stop sign)
STAN: Why are you
stopping? XEV: All the cars are stopping. They must want to ask that guy a
question or something, I don't know STAN: Oh boy, this is -
(Xev
stops the car. The man puts his sign down, and taps on the hearse window. Xev
winds it down)
XEV: What? STAN: Look, could you please just get
out of our way? We're in a hurry, OK? MAN: This won't take long STAN: What
won't take long? MAN: This!
(He points a gun at Xev's head. Stan
gasps, puts up his hands. Xev just glares at the man)
MAN: FBI!
Hands off the wheel, now! STAN: Kai, Kai! KAI: Wheel - the wheel -
wheel STAN: That's not gonna help, Kai MAN: Now, lady
(Xev
hisses, and pulls on the man's arm. He stumbles back into the road, and the gun
drops to the floor of the car. Xev reaches for it, but Stan sees more FBI agents
getting out of the white van)
STAN: Don't do it Xev, don't do it,
don't do it!
(FBI agents surround the hearse, guns aimed. Xev slowly
pulls her hand back away from the gun. Agent Moss gets out of the van and walks
over to the hearse, shaking his dice. Xev puts her hands up)
STAN:
Oh boy
(Stan and Xev, hands tied, are in the back of the white van
with the FBI guys. Moss is in the front)
STAN: Look, whatever it is
that you think we did, we didn't do it, OK? Look, we gotta get back to the Lexx,
OK, because Kai's gotta get more protoblood
(Moss just plays with his
dice)
STAN: Look, we'd go up there ourselves, except that this guy
and his stupid girlfriend stole our moth
(Moss turns his head back
and looks at them)
STAN: Hey, don't I know you from
somewhere? XEV: He smells familiar STAN: Didn't we meet before, you know,
some other planet or something? No?
(Yes, they did - episode 2.3
Lyekka. Moss says nothing, plays with dice. The van eventually stops in a
quarry. FBI agents pull Stan, Xev and Kai out, stand them in front of the rocks
- well, Kai is kneeling)
MOSS: OK gentlemen, over here - form a
line (to agent) Gimme your weapon. Gimme your weapon! XEV: Kai, you
have to help us STAN: Yeah, come on Kai, come on. Wake up, wake up, save us
Kai! KAI: Wakey wakey time STAN: Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing on
them XEV: I'm tied up, and he's got a gun! FBI: (to Moss) Sir,
this is - MOSS: I'm aware. I'm very aware. Gentlemen, I want you to turn
around - you don't wanna see this STAN: I can't watch either, I
can't
(He puts his hands over his eyes, starts
babbling)
STAN: Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the
spaceship Lexx, I'm an Ostral B hero, I fought against His Divine Shadow and the
Divine Order, and I don't wanna die!
(The FBI agents turn away. Moss
steps closer to Stan - )
STAN: Don't kill me! XEV: Goodbye
Stan
( - and Moss turns, and guns down the firing
squad)
STAN: He - he - KAI: We - he - XEV:
Shh!
(Moss leans over one of the dead agents, speaks into his
ear)
MOSS: David sends his regards
(He walks back to Stan
and Xev)
MOSS: OK, let's go. Hey, let's go!
(He points
the gun at them. They help Kai to his feet)
STAN: OK, OK, OK. Come
on Kai
(Moss takes off his FBI jacket and reverses it - now it's a
camouflage jacket, with the logo AFR. He puts on a matching cap)
(In the
White House, Bunny is chasing President Priest)
PRIEST:
Meow! BUNNY: Woof woof!
(The phone rings, so Priest stops the game
to answer it)
PRIEST: No no no no no, I'm not signing any bills
today - and I don't care how many are piling up, I'm busy
(Bunny runs
her hands down her body)
PRIEST: No - can't you give them to someone
else to sign? Look, just use that rubber stamp thing with my signature on it and
veto all the bills. No no no no no, I don't want to read them. Yes, that's
right. Just use the stamp and veto them. Bye!
(He hangs up. They
start chasing each other again)
BUNNY: You're it! PRIEST: Yes, I
am it
(They end up on the couch. Bunny wraps her legs around
Priest)
PRIEST: Oh - I think my show's on. Let's watch
TV
(He sits up)
PRIEST: It's so good not having Prince
around anymore. I can watch television any time I want BUNNY: Of course you
can, silly - you're the President
(The channel flicks onto Vietnam:
Party in the Jungle)
BUNNY: Hey, isn't that Vietnam? PRIEST: I
don't know, perhaps
(He looks shifty)
BUNNY: Weren't you
hiding out in the jungle for 32 years or something? PRIEST: Yes. 32 Long
years. You know, I kept going by remembering my childhood - boy scout, apple
pie, church strippers
(He fires a paper plane. Bunny looks
confused)
BUNNY: You had naked women in your
congregation? PRIEST: Er - church, eh - (thinks fast) Strippers!
Good good good
(Bunny hugs him)
BUNNY: Oh, it must have
been terrible in the jungle. I want you to explore my jungle. Will you do that
Mr President? PRIEST: Oh yes, yes I will, yes yes yes yes
(He
starts to kiss her, then holds her head away)
PRIEST: But we can't
Bunnykins. We don't want to lose the key to the Lexx BUNNY: Oh! This is so
frustrating! I mean, who cares about the stupid key to the Lexx anyway? You're
the President of the United States. Isn't that enough? PRIEST: You are right.
We have waited long enough
(He gets up, drops his
trousers)
PRIEST: I am the President, you are the First Lady. We can
do whatever we want
(Bunny grabs his tie)
BUNNY: I want
you Mr President - right now PRINCE: I want you too, Mr President - right
now
(Prince is inside the television - sitting in the cockpit of a
fighter plane in the show about Vietnam. He is dressed as the ruler of
Fire)
PRIEST: My prince
(Priest pulls up his trousers,
kneels before the television, kisses the screen)
PRIEST: You - you
came back to life PRINCE: No, not exactly. I think that I am truly dead - and
yet here I am, on TV
(He smiles. The reception
flickers)
PRIEST: How did you get there? PRINCE: I'm not sure. I
was killed by Kai on the Lexx, and the next thing you know - here I am. Funny,
isn't it? BUNNY: Huh! It sure is
(She lies down on the couch,
cross)
PRIEST: Are you on all TVs, or just this one? PRINCE: I
think just this one, but I'm not sure. My signal's fading, Mr President. Stay
tuned to this channel
(Prince holds up his hand for Priest to
kiss)
PRIEST: Of course, of course. We will stay tuned to this
channel PRINCE: Oh, and one more thing Mr President - no hanky panky with
honey bunny licky lips. We wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her to
lose the key to the Lexx now, would we? PRIEST: No, of course not, my
prince PRINCE: No. Cheerie bye
(He waves. His signal goes, and
Vietnam - Party in the Jungle comes back)
PRIEST: Cheerie bye, bye
bye
(He whispers to Bunny)
PRIEST: Don't worry, number
one Bunnykins - we'll do some hanky panky later
(Meanwhile, back in
the white van -)
STAN: So who's David? MOSS: Shut up. (he
thinks for a moment) David Koresh. He was a pastor of the Branch Davidian
Church in Waco, Texas - until he was murdered by the Federal Government, April
19th, 1993 STAN: Look, are you gonna kill us too? MOSS: You working for
the Federal Government? XEV: No, we're from a parallel universe MOSS:
Well, that's good - me too
(Moss laughs. Stan and Xev look at each
other. The van stops near a wood. Camouflaged soldiers emerge from the grass.
Moss salutes)
MOSS: Remember Waco GUARD: Forever
(The
guard opens a hatch to an underground headquarters. Moss, Stan and Xev walk in -
Kai is carried in. Everyone inside salutes Moss, who rattles his dice, then
looks at Stan and Xev)
MOSS: Are you dangerous? STAN: No! XEV:
Sometimes MOSS: (chuckles) I'm Field Commander Moss, of the American
Freedom Rangers. Welcome to my headquarters. Now - how can I help
you?
(He sits down at his desk)
XEV: You can get us a
space shuttle so that we can fly back to the Lexx MOSS: (rolls dice)
I think that might be possible - but how can you help me? STAN: What do you
want? MOSS: To destroy the beast that infects the government of this once
proud land STAN: What beast? MOSS You tell me
(Stan is lost for
words)
MOSS: The President. The Congress. And particularly the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, who controls the government from a
secret underground bunker outside Washington DC
STAN: I've been
there MOSS: You have? STAN: - as a prisoner! MOSS: Will you help
me? STAN: Sign me up
(Moss throws him an AFR cap. Stan
smiles)
(Later. Kai's head is sticking out from the top of a freezer.
Stan is making adjustments, Xev is holding his tools for him)
MOSS:
Why are you putting him on ice? Is he part fish? STAN: No no no no, he just
gets like this when his protoblood starts running low. But if you get his
temperature down low enough, he works a lot better XEV: Well, a bit
better MOSS: So, it's just the three of you. That's all? STAN: Yep. Stan,
Xev and Kai. Just the three of us. Er - but I'm not from around here, so I don't
understand exactly who you are MOSS: I'm Field Commander Moss of the American
Freedom Rangers (holds up his FBI ID card) What's that card
say?
(Of course, Stan and Xev can't read English)
MOSS:
It says I'm Special Agent Moss of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. You see,
on April 20th, 1993, I had a revelation. And that revelation told me to fight
the beast from the inside. April 20th 1993 was the day after Waco. If you do the
math, it makes sense
(He sits, rolls dice. Stan and Xev listen,
baffled)
MOSS: April 20th 1993. April's what, the fourth month? 4 +
2 + 0, you get what? 6. Take the 93. Subtract 3 from 9 you get what? Your second
6. Take that 3, add it to the other 3, you get what? Your third 6. That's
666
(Stan and Xev are trying to follow this)
MOSS: I
mean, you can go at it any way you want. April 20th 1993. 20. 1993. 2 + 0 + 1 +
9 + 9 + 3, and you get what? 24. Divide 24 by 8. 8 - that's the number of
ranking Democrats in the House Judiciary Committee. And you get what? 3.
Multiply 3 by 222 - James Earl Ray's hotel room number at the Excelsior, in
Memphis, and you get what? 666. Again. You know what 666 means, don't
you?
(Stan and Xev just look at each other)
MOSS: It's
the number of the beast
(Xev whispers to Stan)
XEV:
What's the beast? KAI: Beast
(Meanwhile Gordon and Skankita, last
seen in episode 4.14 Prime Ridge, have landed the stolen moth in a wood, and are
enjoying a quiet smoke - until the arrival of some soldiers in white camouflage
outfits - and the logo AFRIC)
GORD: Hey! Is this Idaho? AFRIC:
Yes it is GORD: Totally excellent! We made it! Canada is, like, my favourite
country. I love the tacky uniforms, like, totally dated - post retro, even. So -
who are you guys anyway? AFRIC: American Freedom Rangers - Idaho Convention
of 94. Not to be confused with the crazy old AFR. Who are you? GORD: I'm
Gordon, and this is my girlfriend Skankita SKANK: We're drug addicts GORD:
Not to be confused with normal people AFRIC: Why is Canada your favourite
country? GORD: Because - ! Drugs are legal here - I hate the States, man,
they are like so uptight if you just, like, do lots of drugs SKANK: Like we
do
(Gordon slowly realises that something isn't quite right
here)
GORD: Drugs are legal on Canada, right? AFRIC: We wouldn't
know GORD: Why is that? ARFIC: Because Idaho is one of the United States
of America - drug boy GORD: Oh. I did not realise that. Wanna buy some
crack?
(The rangers look at each other - then open fire on Gordon and
Skankita)
(Back at AFR HQ, Moss is now using a blackboard to explain his
theories. Stan and Xev are sitting on stools, bored out of their
minds)
MOSS: Take the 1 from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Split it in
half. Take the two halves. Now, attach them to the two zeros. What have you
got?
(Stan and Xev have no idea)
MOSS: 666 Pennsylvania
Avenue. Coincidence? I don't think so! There are no coincidences, my friends.
Fact 1 - a seemingly stupid, but in fact criminally clever Vietnam vet MIA is
elected President. Fact 2 - a female real estate agent from Miami is made Pope.
Fact 3 - alien carrots invade the Earth. Fact 4 - Mars and Venus disappear from
the night sky without a trace or an explanation. Fact 5 - well, you know what
Fact 5 is STAN/XEV: 666? MOSS: No! Fact 5 is you. Aliens having truck with
the ATF, the Pope, and the White House STAN: No, no, no (he stands
up) Look, listen pal, I'm not a hundred percent with you on anything that
you're saying here, but it's clear that you are a rebel, and you should know,
that Stanley H Tweedle has always been on the side of rebels and
heretics MOSS: So what you doing having truck with Isambard Prince of the
ATF? STAN: I am not having truck with Isambard Prince! MOSS: You know
Isambard Prince, don't you? STAN: Well yeah, unfortunately MOSS: Well,
doesn't he sound like an English guy to you? STAN: Yeah, I suppose MOSS:
It's a well known fact that all English are homosexual. It is also a well known
fact that all homosexuals lie. So the head of the ATF is a liar. Am I
right? XEV: Not anymore MOSS: No? Why? XEV: Kai killed him MOSS: Kai
killed who? XEV: Him STAN: Isambard Prince
(Stan walks to Kai's
freezer, puts his arm around it)
STAN: Kai killed Isambard
Prince
(Moss rolls his dice - and gets 6 and 1)
MOSS:
Lucky
(The White House. Bunny is sitting on the couch, Prince is
sitting in front of the TV. Both bored out of their minds - possibly because the
TV is showing Living Kai's Henry V)
BUNNY: I can't watch this
anymore. Let's just make love PRIEST: I want to, Bunnykins, you know I do.
But Prince might see us BUNNY: That's not Prince, that's a TV. We could turn
it off and never ever turn it on ever again if we wanted to
(The
phone rings, Priest answers it)
PRIEST: Why are you disturbing me?
You know I don't take calls anymore. Not from the UN, not from the Pentagon, and
especially not from the FBI, so just tell him to have a bad day and stay away
from - Who?
(He puts his hand over the phone, whispers to
Bunny)
PRIEST: The FBI says Stanley Tweedle is trying to call. Oo -
what message do they say they have from Isambard Prince? And are you sure he
said Isambard? Umm - you know Isambard is away on a special mission... Yes yes
of course they can come here. Umm, very good. Please arrange it
(He
hangs up)
PRIEST: What's the FBI? BUNNY: Umm - the Federal Bureau
of, umm - Intoxication! I think PRIEST: Mm hmm. What do they do? BUNNY: I
think they go after whiskey smugglers, from Canada
(AFR HQ. Moss is
on the phone)
MOSS: Yes, Moss, yes. Excellent. Remember
Waco
(He hangs up, rolls his dice)
MOSS: We're
in
(Stan and Xev laugh, and salute)
(The White House.
President Priest is on the phone again)
VOICE: Stan and Xev are here
to see you PRIEST: Yes yes, good good, send them in right away VOICE: And
the FBI agent? PRIEST: Yes, him too (hangs up, looks at Bunny) They
are here
(Stan and Xev enter, followed by Moss, who is wearing his
FBI outfit)
BUNNY: Hi Stan STAN: Hi BUNNY: Hi Xev XEV: Hi
Bunny, Mr President BUNNY: Where's Kai? XEV: In the freezer. He's running
low on protoblood and isn't working well, so we didn't bring
him
(Moss walks over to Priest)
PRIEST: Hi. You must be
the FIB agent - Mosley, was it? MOSS: Moss PRIEST: You did a good job in
bringing them to me. Yes yes - a very good job (he walks away) Thank
you, you can go now MOSS: On your knees
(Priest turns and looks at
him, laughs)
PRIEST: Excuse me?! MOSS: On your knees, Mr
President PRIEST: Oo. Are you, err...? MOSS: Yes PRIEST:
(laughs) No, no, not really?
(Priest looks at Stan, who is
smiling and nodding)
PRIEST: You don't sound like Isambard MOSS:
I am Isambard Prince. You are my servant. Kiss my hand
(Priest does
as he's told)
BUNNY: Is he Prince? STAN: Yeah XEV: In a
different body STAN: Yeah, I mean who would have thought that Prince could
come back as somebody else on this planet too? BUNNY: But - Prince is in the
TV - isn't he? PRIEST: Of course he's Prince. He was in the TV before and now
he's here with us. Here he is, Prince, the ruler of the planet - Water MOSS:
Water?! Are you trying to test me? PRIEST: Oh no no no, of course not my
prince. It was just a little slip, that's all, I meant of course to say the
planet Fire. You are my prince. All him, all the time BUNNY: I don't think he
is Prince XEV: Why not? BUNNY: I don't know. I just don't think he's
Prince MOSS: You doubt I am who I am?! PRIEST: Of course you are
you MOSS: I am to dominate! PRIEST: And I'm to obey MOSS: All the
time! PRIEST: In every way MOSS: Whatever I say! PRIEST: Every
day MOSS: My wish - PRIEST: - is my command MOSS: My desire -
PRIEST: - is my every instruction
(Prince sinks to his knees,
kissing Moss's hand)
MOSS: Good. Good. Stop
(He shakes
Priest off, then sits down behind his desk)
PRIEST: It's so good to
have you back, my prince. What bad things should we start
doing?
(Bunny sits down on the couch. Xev and Stan sit either side of
her)
MOSS: It's good to be back. But I don't think that anyone will
recognise me as Prince in this body. I don't think they'll grant me any
authority, so - I think that what we need is for you to write an executive order
authorising this body, which goes by the name of Moss, as the new head of the
ATF
(Cars drive into the ATF secret bunker. Moss, Xev and Stan go
into Prince's office - guards wheel Kai in, still in his
freezer)
MOSS: The belly of the beast
(Moss reverses his
jacket to the AFR side)
XEV: Kai, are you OK now? KAI:
(sleepily) OK.....OK STAN: I don't think it's cold enough MOSS:
As the new director of the ATF, my first order of business is that if any of you
know or hear of any ATF officer talking like an English guy, you know, using an
English foreign accent - they're to be eliminated ATF: Yes sir MOSS:
Second order of business is to deal with the most disloyal, lying, betraying,
terrorist organisation in this country. I'm speaking of course of the American
Freedom Rangers Idaho Convention of 1994. Not to be confused with the AFR
originals, who are all dedicated patriots STAN: Well I'm confused. What's the
difference between American Freedom Rangers here, and American Freedom Rangers
in - someplace else? MOSS: The difference? The difference is that we are the
AFR, and they are the AFRIC! Could it be any clearer?
(Stan looks
confused. Moss walks up to him)
MOSS: The difference is that we are
Americans, and they are Pharisees. The difference is that we fight for the
freedom of the individual, and they are splittists! STAN: Oh, splittists! Oh,
right MOSS: This is the exact location of their headquarters. I want you to
find them, hit 'em hard, take no prisoners. Understood? ATF: They will be
eliminated, sir
(The ATF agents salute and leave. Stan leans on
Moss's desk)
STAN: OK - what about the space shuttle? You know, the
little thing that flies around in space that you said you would get for us if we
helped you out - which I think it's more than fair to say that we have
done XEV: We want to get off this planet and return to the Lexx -
now MOSS: We're going to that right away, but in a modified version XEV:
What do you mean? MOSS: Well, the third order of business has changed from
getting you a space shuttle, to getting you an AFR court martial STAN: OK -
what's an AFR court martial? MOSS: It is a proceeding run by a group of fair
minded men to determine the guilt or innocence of anyone accused of being in the
service of the beast STAN: No no no no no no no. You gave your word you would
get us a space shuttle XEV: Yeah, what is all this stuff about honour and
everything if then all you do is go ahead and break your deal? STAN: Yeah! We
helped you out, we gave you all the information you needed to convince the
President that you were Prince! XEV: You have to help us, you agreed STAN:
Yeah! MOSS: As an American, I'm honour bound to keep my word XEV:
Hmm? MOSS: But you're aliens, you're not Americans. And there's no code on
Earth that obliges me to keep my word to you two
(Stan stands up, not
surprised by this turn of events. Xev hisses, and goes to grab Moss, but he
slides back on his chair. The guards aim guns at Xev)
MOSS: Cuff
'em STAN: You can't do this to us! XEV: He just has, Stan STAN:
Ow!
(The guards handcuff them, and march them out. Moss walks over to
Kai, whose vision is a bit blurry)
MOSS: Feeling better? KAI:
No MOSS: Hey, you finally answered a question. Who are you? KAI: My
name... my name is... is.. my name is? MOSS: Go on, son KAI: Who would you
kill me to lick, me? MOSS: Good KAI: Good MOSS: Good KAI:
Good MOSS: I think you're ready to stand trial KAI: Good MOSS: I was
worried, we were gonna have to put it off but I think you're ready to go right
away KAI: Good MOSS: And it'll be a proper trial - not one of those
typical legal circuses that clog the courts of America, no, and when it's over
you'll have a quick and honourable death, a soldier's death. Bullet to the heart
- none of this lethal injection nonsense KAI: Nonsense
(Moss walks
away)
(In the White House, Priest hits the TV. Bunny is doing some
aerobics)
BUNNY: Are you sure it's Prince? PRIEST: Yes Bunnykins,
I'm sure of it BUNNY: One hundred percent sure? PRIEST: No, not exactly
one hundred percent, but it doesn't matter BUNNY: What do you mean, it
doesn't matter? PRIEST: What I mean is that it really doesn't matter in the
end whether it's Prince or not. It's just a lot better for me, for you First
Lady Bunnykins, and for the presidency to have someone in charge again
(He kicks the TV)
(Moss is listening to speaker phone in
Prince's office)
MOSS: Did we eliminate all the AFRIC
terrorists? VOICE: Sir, we raided their headquarters with a strong force as
you ordered. We did manage to eliminate the bulk of them MOSS: And by bulk we
mean - ?
(Stan and Xev are wheeled in, in cages)
VOICE:
Well - a few managed to escape by an unusual means MOSS: An unusual
means? VOICE: Sir, they evaded us in some kind of weird flying bug
thing MOSS: Weird flying bug thing?
(Stan looks at
Xev)
VOICE: Yes sir MOSS: Well, here's what we do, captain. We
round up all our weird flying bug exterminators. We put together a weird flying
task force, and we hunt those terrorists down. Eliminate them - all of
them STAN: Hey, hey look. I know that you don't think that we're rebels, but
really we are. See - look, I was an assistant deputy backup courier for the
Ostral B heretics fighting against His Divine Shadow. And then after that, I was
a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, so look, is there some kind of an
assignment, you know, that you might want me to do? Well, I can be pretty
flexible you know, it doesn't matter, whatever you want me to take on - XEV:
Give it up Stan! He wants to kill us and I don't think he will change his
mind
(OK, complicated bit coming up. During Stan's speech, Moss was
putting some props on his desk - judge's wig, top hat, glasses. For the next
scene he does quick changes to play the parts of judge (wig), prosecutor (top
hat) and defence (glasses). He puts on the wig, bangs gun on his desk like a
gavel)
JUDGE: This court martial is now in session PROS: Your
honour, we live in a sick, I say, a sick society. This once proud land is
riddled with noxious disease from top to bottom. There's body odour in the body
politic. There's a head cold in the head of state. We must purge the corrupted
organs. And when you look on these defendants (points at Stan and Xev)
you see the social dis - ease STAN: Hey hey hey hey - I got no social
disease, buddy! XEV: We just want to get off this planet PROS: My dear
young lady, I would be delighted, I say delighted to be able to execute your
wish - DEFE: Ah, your honour, objection, objection your honour. It's not the
part or the place of the prosecution to pass sentence. And if I were you your
honour I'd take umbrage, I'd take a lot of umbrage (spreads his arms)
I'd take this much umbrage. Under the constitution my clients are presumed
innocent until proven guilty PROS: Well I would never, never deprive these
clients of their constitutional rights - even if they are aliens. Even if they
did blast two of my personal favourite planets out of the night sky. What did
you do to Mars and Venus?! XEV: What are Mars and Venus? PROS: Oh, they're
planets numbers 2 and 4 in the solar system. Numbers which even an alien must
realise add up to 6! XEV: I don't remember blowing up any planets in this
system except Fire and Water - so that means we did not blow up Mars and
Venus PROS: Well, who did? This space junkie here, this punksicle? DEFE:
Objection your honour - if he ain't gonna make sense, that's one for the
defence JUDGE: Objection sustained. By the way, Mr Defence - you're a good
looking man. Mr Prosecutor, you may proceed with caution PROS: Stanley
Tweedle, did you ever blow up any planets in this system? STAN: No, I never
blew up any planets in this system! Except for, you know, maybe one - thing,
that probably wasn't a planet anyway PROS: Would you share with us? STAN:
Well, when I was just testing the Lexx's weapon, you know, just target practice,
I did blow up this, this one lumpy thing, it was really far away, I think you
call it Pluto? PROS: Your honour, the defendant has confessed to
plutocricide! DEFE: Objection your honour - he's not on trial for
plutocricide PROS: Well maybe he should be DEFE: Oh yeah? PROS:
Yeah! DEFE: Says who? PROS: Says me DEFE: And who are you when you're
at home? PROS: Maybe you should ask your momma DEFE: You run your mouth,
you going south PROS: It's lucky the defendant is charged with blowing up
planets, not blowing up oranges DEFE: Well, if he blew up an orange -
objection, your honour! PROS: If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the
crime JUDGE: Objection sustained STAN: Just listen, will you just listen!
We didn't blow up any planets in your solar system - except maybe Fire, Water,
maybe Pluto - because we couldn't JUDGE: And why is that? STAN: Because we
lost the key to the Lexx a long time ago, that's why we're still hanging around
your stupid planet! We can't get our ship to fly away, we can't get our ship to
do anything, including blowing up planets, and we can prove it! JUDGE:
Perhaps you could try STAN: OK. President Priest knows that we don't have the
key. Ask him DEFE: The defence calls President Priest. President of the
United States
(The White House. Priest is throwing paper planes,
Bunny is sitting in front of the TV. An image flickers for a second - Prince,
against a background of flames)
BUNNY: I saw him! PRIEST:
Who? BUNNY: Prince! He was there, for a second on the TV
(Priest
gets another phone call)
PRIEST: President Priest. Oo. Yes yes, of
course. Tell him I'll come right over (to Bunny) It's the boss. I mean
Prince. I have to go over to his office. I won't be long
(Bunny blows
him a kiss as he leaves - and Prince appears on the screen, peering out. He
mouths Bunny?, then flickers off again. Bunny hits the screen)
(Back at
the court martial, Kai's freezer has been wheeeled in)
PROS: Feeling
better? KAI: My temperature has dropped, I'm feeling more myself, yes, thank
you
XEV: Kai, I want you to use your brace, soon PROS: Tell me son -
what is this brace thing? You use it to shoot down planets, or to kill people,
or to peel oranges? KAI: I have k-k-k-killed... I have k-k-k- PROS: Aw,
spit it out son. Are you a killer or a k-k-k-kabuki dancer? KAI: I have
killed mothers ... I have killed proud young mothers. Old. Good old mothers ...
evil mothers PROS: Please, son - raise your hand when you come to the end of
that sentence
(Moss goes to Xev's cage)
PROS: Now - Xev,
is it? XEV: Mm hm PROS: Why, I said why, are there 3 of
you?
(Xev beckons him closer, speaking slowly and clearly, as one
does to an idiot)
XEV: There are 3 of us, because that is the number
we are. If you divide it by 1, it is still 3, because there are 3 reasons why
you should let us go. The first one is, that we have not done anything to you.
The second one is, that all we've ever tried to do, is get off this planet. And
the third one is, that you are unstable in the head (Xev makes the
international sign for crazy) and it would be best for all if you just
turned yourself in to the protein bank STAN: Yeah, that's telling him
Xev! PROS: Your honour, the defendant is casting aspersions, and I submit,
your honour, it's not coincidence that they are 3 in number. For if you square
3, you get 9. If you subtract 3 from each of the 9, you get 666. They are 3 in
number because they are in the service of the Antichrist! XEV: Stan, what
rhymes with nut head? STAN: Butt head?
(AFR guys enter. Moss puts
on his AFR cap, salutes. One of them whispers something to him, then they salute
and leave)
MOSS: What did you say happened to your moth
ship? XEV: It got stolen MOSS: By who? XEV: By Gordon and
Skankita MOSS: It was last seen in Idaho, heading west
(Priest
enters the office)
MOSS: Mr President
(Moss salutes.
Priest kisses his hand, salutes)
PRIEST: I'm here to answer
questions with the whole truth and nothing but the truth (whispers) in
whatever way you want, my prince MOSS: That won't be necessary. As the judge
of this court martial it is my duty to render fair and impartial judgement on
all who come before me. Unfortunately, something more important's come up, so -
guilty as charged, you'll be shot by firing squad, court is dismissed!
Goodbye
(Guards wheel Stan and Xev outside)
XEV: No! You
can't do that STAN: I can be a ranger, I can go on missions, I can be a good
ranger! I never liked Idaho! I don't - oh, don't kill me!
(Moss looks
at Priest)
MOSS: What's the date? PRIEST: I don't know, umm, it's
on the tip of my tongue but I forget MOSS: It's the 6th. And what time is
it? PRIEST: Oh, it's afternoon
(Moss checks his
watch)
MOSS: It's 6 minutes after 6, on the 6th day. Mr President,
there are no coincidences (to guards) Shoot him too PRIEST: No no
no. Please my prince. Don't I get a trial? MOSS: You don't deserve one - and
frankly, I'm exhausted PRIEST: (kneels) But my prince, you know that
I will always do whatever you say, and that I am your loyal servant MOSS: You
fool. I'm not Prince. I'm Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom
Rangers
(Moss leaves. Priest and guards follow)
(The White
House. Bunny is asleep on the couch. Prince is tapping at the inside of the TV
screen)
PRINCE: Bunny, wake up BUNNY: Prince! You're there on the
TV PRINCE: Yes, I'm here. Not so much on TV as in TV, but nevertheless I am
here. Now Bunny listen carefully BUNNY: Why, what's the matter? Is the
President in trouble? PRINCE: Yes, the President is in trouble, and the
presidency is in trouble. There was a silly little trial going on over at ATF
headquarters and it's gone off the rails, so to speak. I was not at all
concerned that Stan and Xev might be executed, but it might inconvenience me if
the President - whom you love, so dearly - were to get shot, and that is what
will happen unless you do exactly as I say BUNNY: I love the President - and
I love the presidency (she stands) And I will do whatever you say
(salutes)
(The stolen moth is now being flown by the surviving
members of the AFRIC. Bunny appears on the view screen, reading from a
script)
BUNNY: Hello there. I am First Lady Bunny, wife of President
Priest. I think you know who Field Commander Moss of the American Freedom
Rangers is, don't you? And I bet you'd like to know where he is, so you can
(she makes a fist) talk - with him, or - whatever (smiles) So,
Field Commander Moss is now the new head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms, which is located in a secret underground headquarters, just outside of
Washington. You can't see it very well from the ground, but from the air it's
easy to spot because it has a big oil tank with a big hole - in the top. So, you
know, things like helicopters, or flying moths can get down inside. So go on
down and say(fist) hi, to Field Commander Moss. You know, for your
country
(The moth changes course)
(Once again, Stan, Xev and
Kai are lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad)
STAN:
Xev, do that Cluster lizard thing now XEV: How?
(Moss is shaking
his dice. Priest is pushed into line beside Stan. Moss walks in front of
them)
MOSS: I could have had you shot by 6 men - but I chose 7,
because 7 is the number of - luck STAN: This doesn't feel like luck MOSS:
Your deaths will be carried out in a manner befitting those involved in the
struggle - even though you were on the wrong side. But - enough. Any last
requests? PRIEST: Yes, me - please don't kill me, I'm the President of the
United States MOSS: We're killing you because you are the President of the
United States PRIEST: Oo. Then as President - I grant myself a full pardon
for all my crimes MOSS: (laughs) Right
(Moss stands
aside)
MOSS: At arm STAN: No, wait - I got a request MOSS:
Yeah? STAN: Yeah. Kill Kai first XEV: Yeah, I request that too. Kill Kai
first, and then when he's dead - then kill us
(Moss walks up to
Kai)
MOSS: You got a problem with that? KAI: No. No way no. No
problemo MOSS: Fine. Him first
(Moss steps back)
MOSS:
Ready. Aim. Fire
(The firing squad shoots. Moss inspects Kai's
freezer)
MOSS: Hmm. There's only 6 holes. The beast is upon
us
(He turns, as the moth descends through the hole in the roof. The
AFR see the AFRIC get out)
MOSS: The Idaho Convention. I knew it.
Gentlemen - follow me!
(The shoot-out begins. Stan, Xev and Priest
hide behind Kai's freezer)
MOSS: Splittists!
(Moss is the
last man standing. He counts his bullet wounds)
MOSS: 1, 2, 3, 4,
5
(A dying AFRIC shoots him)
MOSS: 6
(Moss
falls, salutes)
MOSS: Remember Waco
(He
dies)
XEV: All right, let's go
(Xev and Stan wheel Kai's
freezer away. Priest is cowering, looking at the bodies)
PRIEST: I
think I'll get back to the White House now
(Alarms start to sound, as
Xev flies the moth away. Stan looks at his handcuffs)
STAN: Look, I
mean we should have blown up that planet when we had the chance KAI: Blow
that planet
(He falls back)
XEV: We'll get our
chance
(The moth flies to the moon)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana
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